Thinking with you guys

  February 2nd, 2018 by Urm8451n

Good evening.

I scored bad on today’s final. At least I assume so.
Two hours after the end of the test, I had hit by the down of the amphetamine [ Ritalin].

I feel so empty and useless. I don’t think I am, but this is what I feel.

I feel like I want to drown in the open sea. I have hopes; hopes of me solving my family’s finance problems.
I have hope to be the man who will be there for other poor families and hand them food, shelter and education.

I know how hard is to go through the day being hungry. I were there.

But I will never change, untill I will finish my current studies.

I say I’m envying the end of the semester, and the whole fucking studies. I say that to my university friends, to my mom. They look at me in wonder, like I’m insane.

I hate being in this situation. I know for the long run it would make me earn more money, and able to fulfill the payments and etc….
But untill then, I feel I’m more useful working my ass of at minimum job, than studying engineering.

And if I have to study, and I’m not doing well as I hope to, than why can’t I develop friendships?
I’m so stressed that I can’t even meet friends. I don’t have time for them. I’m on the clock with studying and work. I would bet that with out this site and the people here, to rant to about my life, I would fucking jump the 11th floor when I have a chance.

I don’t feel like suicide is an option for me. But I really don’t want to live like this. I hope I’m going to make it to the end. I don’t like being around people because once I’m back to my reality, I’m back to dealing with all these problems alone. And let me tell you a secret -> It is hard.

Even further, being a bit smart, I know that the last years of my teens that lacked socializing and relationship, will eventually back fire on me when I’ll be older. I would lack years of experience.
I don’t talk about sex or how to friend people. I talk about the simplicity of dealing in a relationship – > I never done it right.

Back to the point; each time I’m alone, I’m alone with my own demons.
If I “leave” them and stay around people, or talk to people, those demons grow stronger.

The simple explanation would be; Each time I’m with friends, or socializing, I’m seeing what I envy so bad. I want to be free and young as other people my age. I want to be all about chicks and netflix. I want to live the idea of feeling “yeah, I’m growing up cause I’m studying”. And not because I grow up to deal with my inability of my parents to be parents, and my mom inability to deal with finance.

If you read up to here, please leave a comment. I read each one, and some of those really help me.

If you have an advice, I’m always open minded to those.

Stay strong, Be brave, Yours Jac.

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