Wanna Hear My Story? Yeah Didn’t Think So…

  February 1st, 2018 by Limes

Well… My parents divorced when I was six. I’m only 12 don’t fret, it’s not like I’m a middle aged man about to tell each and EVERY spare moment of my life. And don’t belittle my problems either.

Anyway, they divorced and at first, it was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. That changed soon, my dad technically sexually assulted me even though I was only four. Told my grandma and she told the whole world. But my dad’s changed, he’s super nice and I love him with all my heart but whenever I tell somebody that, they look at me differently. Like I’m crazy for still loving him. Like he’s not the nicest person in the world to me anymore. But he doesn’t know me. Each Sunday from 9-7 (the only time I get to see him) I force myself to put on a smile and act silly for him so he doesn’t think anything’s wrong. He doesn’t know a single thing about my life, for example: when I leave to go back to my moms house he doesn’t know I’ll come home to a house filled with trash and filth. I can’t walk without who knows what getting all over my feet. I don’t think that’s how a home should be. For a while we even had mold growing in the sink. Everything looks like crap and quite frankly I’m embarrassed that we don’t have heavy curtains in every window. The dining room is filled with shit so my mom an I eat in the living room where all the stuff is piled up. And it’s my fault. I know it is because it’s my fault I haven’t been cleaning the house. I haven’t been washing the dishes or taking the trash out, let alone picking trash up and it’s all my fault to the point where I can’t clean up because it’s beyond dirty. I don’t know maybe I’m just overreacting and I need pull my crap together and clean it all. I sound like a prick don’t I?

Well, there was also at one time my moms boyfriend. He called me a dick and yelled at me for being mean to my mother. I probably deserved it but I hated him so much. Not just because he was dating my mom but because he was a cold bastard. He started out nice, just like the house, but soon “nice” was just an act to hold up for when we got together with family. Fortunately (I know I’m horrible and I should care about my moms happiness instead of being selfish, I’ve been told, don’t tell me again.) my mom broke up with him when he was about to quit his job for the fifth time. Now I see the whole cycle starting over again with her new boyfriend. He looks at me like I’m a bossy five year old throwing a tantrum. Maybe that’s what I am. I’m a brat. I’m selfish. I have no empathy, it’s not human. There’s something wrong with me. I know, you tell me almost all the time.

On a brighter note I’m no longer able to see my best friend let alone talk to her ever again! She knew everything about me and was the only person I could talk to. She knew about the house, my moms boyfriend, my dad. But she wa still my friend and I could count on her all the time. When we got out phones, we were careful to hide our conversations like this from our parents. Later, we got sloppy. Her mom decided to stick her nosy head into me and my friend’s conversations. She saw me ranting about how my mother screams at me for stupid things like knocking on the door, or turning on the lights. Or how she suddenly got clingy. My friend got grounded for about a month (probably because of me) and when it was over, I tried talking to her but said she wasn’t supposed to talk to me. Apparently because I’m a horrible to my mother and her mom doesn’t want her daughter to be like that to her. Well. Her mom saw that we were still talking and made my friend block every contact she has with me. I tried making spare accounts, using a different number. But it appears that her mom went to full measures to make sure I never spoke or heard of her again. She changed her number, deleted social media accounts, made them private. There is not a single thing in the world I can do about it and I’m not even sure my friend cares. No I can’t just see her at school because for one I’m now home schooled and two se moved two years ago.

This probably all seems like just bad luck to all of you and everything else is just stress. And stress happens to us all doesn’t it? Because I’m just a stupid little girl that doesn’t know pain from misfortune right? Because I’m stupid. And because I’m only 12 I can’t complain right? Screw that shit. The way I see it, just because somebody might be going through less pain than you, maybe it’s because they weren’t born with the strength to deal with it. They just didn’t and now that have to deal with everybody belittling their pain. I cut myself on my leg with a razor now. I’m just because looking for attention? Besides it’s not like I’m drawing my blood… Right…? I literally dream about killing people I hate and smashing their skulls open with a hammer because that’s how much hatred the world has put in me. If you saw me you’d probably just think I was the local introvert and nothin more. Sometimes I wonder if this is how hard life isn’t for all of us and I’m just too pathetic to deal with it. I don’t want to live because I know things ought to get worse in the future and by god I hope my mother doesn’t come across this post for whatever reason because she will recognize it.

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