what its like to be suicidal, for people who assume things

  February 2nd, 2018 by defalt120

you wake up every night not knowing if it will be your last, you don’t actually know what your mind will force you to do today or tomorrow. you may cry yourself to sleep wanting to live so badly but your parents are dead, you are unemployed, you have no friends, you have bad self-esteem, you flunk your grades, your wife cheated on you, and your peers make fun of you all the time both online and in real life. you try your best to improve that stuff but it always ends up going wrong, you try for years and years… still nothing. one day you hear something that pushes you to the edge, you go down the basement that same night at 4 am when everyone is asleep, you find a rafter, tie a noose with your shoelaces cuz you don’t have a rope in your house, and you stand up on top of a bucket. you think about your crush in school, “maybe I should’ve told her how I feel. No that would probably make things worse” you think about how unfair life is, how you wish it treated you better. as the last tears stream down your face you put the noose around your neck and kick the bucket with all the rage inside of you. you grasp your final breaths till you pass out, you fall into a beautiful dream where everything is perfect, where society is friendly and not corrupt, where you are inside your school in the hallway where everyone has formed a circle and is cracking jokes and smiling and teasing each other. you see your dead parents face for the first time cuz you never met them in real life. your dead died of a stroke and your mom was killed. you smile and say “this is where I belong” and then you wake up on the basement floor in a pool of blood thinking wtf just happened, as you slowly regain consciousness and remember that you just hanged yourself and notice that the rafter broke while you were hanging. you clean up the mess, hide all the evidence of what you just did, and go up to your room and sleep. Then you wake up the next day saying “what if I tried again.”

that’s it, thank your for your time. in this story I combined another story from reddit, my personal suicide story which you can find on my profile as my first post, and added some stuff people deal with like being an orphan and such. just know that yes, there is someone out there with all those problems I listed combined.

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