February 6th, 2018 by liz_zie_gla

Hey. Not dead yet, don’t worry. I still think about dying often, but so far, they’ve remained thoughts.

Is that a good thing? Who knows? It’s supposed to be. I know it’s supposed to good, but it definitely doesn’t feel like it.

I’ve been questioning a lot of things lately.

When should I die? Will I ever? Am I going to do it myself? When should I get help? Should I try to get help? Is it worth it? Can I afford it? What do I do? When will I be happy?

I feel like I know what the answers to these questions are supposed to be, but I can’t seem to convince myself that these are the right choices. I know what I should be doing. I know what the right choice is supposed to be, but I don’t want to do that.

I want to close my eyes and sleep for a while. I want to dream I’ll be happy someplace and I never want my dream to end. I want to dream forever. I want to sleep.

When will I be happy? Can I only be happy in my dreams?

I know the answers to these, too, but I’m still unconvinced. It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be happy.

Battling with myself is infinitely more difficult than battling with the rest of the world. It’s tiring. I’m so tired.

I want to sleep. When can I sleep?

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