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Yes, I am lost thank you for noticing

by falling_soup

It has been a while since I posted here, I like logging on here and getting the terrible things inside my head and on this blog. Yes, I am lost thank you for noticing. I relapsed with my cutting (go me.) and doing anything I can to escape these toxic thoughts. I have been doing somewhat better, I can cope better, I do not feel like the constant urge to kill myself is around all the time. I feel more positive, but my boyfriend weighs me down, my depression, the trauma, etc. all just stupid things I thought were stupid so I would not think about them. I guess it became to much, when my boyfriend is a verbally abusive… I can not stand how he controls me. I  have friends who think I should leave him and yet I use him as this stupid crutch. I hate myself for that. I am damaged and him in my mind is what I deserve, so I settle. I think he can make me feel good but really when he says these toxic words I cry in private. He can not be with me because he is too busy hating himself  and feeling depressed. I cried on the car ride home after I dropped him off at work, I came home, I felt numb, found my blade and cut. I felt myself just wanting to do more and more. I covered a part of my arm in tattoos last year to cover up the scars I had from last attempts to cope. I just made more but around them, I hate myself, the other day we fooled around and after? I looked at him and had almost vomited, I ran to the bathroom and cried. I was sexually assaulted by a friend  so I feel fragile, my boyfriend doesn’t care and if he does he has a shitty way of showing it. I remember I used to say that my mom loved me but had a shitty way of showing it. He does the same thing, and that is why I need to get out, but the silly thing is I probably will ***** out and just not do it but continue to be in the same sad dark fucking place I always have been. I am like his fucking babysitter, I do not ever get cared for in return. I am sick of this and all of the pain but I deal with it so I guess I shouldn’t be complaining because I am choosing to stay in it or whatever. FUCK, I just wish I had some fucking strength to leave him, but I don’t. I am to drained and tired to even fight. I hate everything, I feel so empty and grossed out with myself. I fear I just continue to be abused and never do shit about it because I have no balls.

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17 comments

miszion 2/6/2018 - 5:14 pm

please, please get out of this relationship. one of the biggest reasons you feel so drained and hopeless is because you are allowing yourself to stick with someone who is no good for you. I promise that once you free yourself of this toxic, dead weight, you will feel so much better. You deserve so much better than someone who treats you this way.

spectralgiraffe 2/6/2018 - 5:46 pm

Please leave him if possible he is not helpful to your life…

Foundhappiness 2/6/2018 - 6:02 pm

telling her to leave,,, aint gonna happen, women love this shit….
I see it over, and over, and over…
Yea she will come here, complain about this, that, and how bad the asshole is… but guess what, they rarely, if ever leave,,,,,
Ask my dead cousin,,, she was murdered by a guy just like this,,,,,

But you won’t go, you “love him”…..

After all, true love is abuse,,,, to you, isn’t it?

miszion 2/6/2018 - 6:29 pm

wow. you have absolutely no place commenting on this post if that’s your response. this is a place for support and love, not for hateful remarks like yours.

miszion 2/6/2018 - 6:31 pm

women do not “love this shit,” it’s called manipulation and fear. did you not read their post? they’re clearly being controlled by this man and being made out to think they deserve no better. it’s not always as easy as just getting up and walking away.

Foundhappiness 2/6/2018 - 6:35 pm

well it is,,,, but you know, women go for the “bad guy” over the good ones….

The numbers prove it,,,, can’t be argued,,,,, facts speak loudly.

You want to leave? you leave.

But, they don’t.

They stay.

And it was just a case like this where my cousin was also ignorant of reality and ended up having her head smashed in by the guys and did so in front of their 2 young girls.

Ivy 2/6/2018 - 7:11 pm

Maybe the real question is…

are there ANY men out there who would “fall in love” with a woman, want to be with her and only her, stay faithful and loyal, be kind, caring and look after her when she wants it (but not in an overly protective or controlling way), and would be supportive of her and her lifestyle, not act jealous if she has platonic male friends (with whom she maintains firm boundaries), who won’t insult her just because they’re in a bad mood, who doesn’t rely on alcohol, drugs, or unnecessary mind-numbing medication to get through life (not including people who are required to take meds), who doesn’t spend hours of their time fantasizing over women who aren’t her, who isn’t addicted to p**n, who isn’t someone who says, “I am a nice guy and I treat women well!” but is actually cold-hearted and/or abusive or manipulative, who isn’t hung up on past lovers, who doesn’t flirt with other people while they’ve claimed to be in a committed relationship with one woman, who doesn’t have “dark secrets” of things they’ve done that would be criminal if they had been caught, who isn’t filled with anger, rage, and hate and either trolls people online or fantasizes about killing or injuring people, who hasn’t had questionable relationships or friendships with teenage girls (or boys) while an adult who was more than three years older than them (i.e., of a sexual nature), who doesn’t act violent while angry and get into bar fights or other fights with men for no good reason, or who doesn’t act violent at home with their p.artner or children, who doesn’t raise their voice in a menacing way to threaten or scare their p.artner and/or children, who doesn’t try to monopolize decisions made in the home life, who doesn’t lie or withhold pertinent information with their p.artner, who doesn’t waste lots of money gambling, who isn’t regarded as an asshole by other people (not including anyone who did screw him over), who doesn’t feel insecure if their female p.artner likes stating their opinions and won’t stand for nonsense, or if their female p.artner happens to be more successful or make money than they do, or not be envious because she’s more fit, healthy, younger, and has more hair than they do, or because she has skills that they don’t, and who won’t leave her or cheat as she becomes older and no longer has youthful looks… oh, and who doesn’t have STDs (or AIDs/HIV) they can spread that they caught from previous p.artners. Not having hired prostitutes or paid for sex work, ever, would also be a bonus. And no one really wants to be with someone who has hooked up for one-night-stands with people from online apps or Craiglist, etc., multiple times.

Are there any men out there who fit ALL the above criteria of things they don’t do?

Nope.

rivets 2/6/2018 - 7:45 pm

Ivy, lovebots have come a long way since the inception of AI. Don’t knock them like that. They might have feelings someday.

Ivy 2/6/2018 - 7:54 pm

I’ve seen TV shows about humanlike robots. The male ones ended up acting like the above as well. Jealous, angry robots often have no qualms about killing you, either. Lack of an ability to truly empathize with humans.

From a female perspective, my point is that if I want to be with any man, I have no choice but to forgive him for his wrongdoings and flaws (and hope he won’t randomly murder me, because even previously non-violent men have done that), or otherwise stay single and celibate.

Ivy 2/6/2018 - 7:58 pm

That said, if someone is being actively abusive, yeah, you don’t want to be around that person.

So you might end up going through a lot of relationships that you have to leave.

a1957 2/6/2018 - 8:33 pm

@ Ivy. Very reasonable requirements. Ladies here would do well to seek out men like this and of course abide by the same standards and principals themselves. This actually is not excessive or unrealistic. You have elaborated what it takes to be a peaceful intimate. These people do exist. I am close to meeting these guidelines and I think some of the men and women I know strive for these principles and come close to meeting them. Ivy, this is excellent.

Ivy 2/6/2018 - 9:14 pm

Nobody is perfect, but I guess it would help that if someone knew they made big mistakes in the past, that they were honest about it with a new p.artner, so that their S.O. wouldn’t find out another way and be shocked. People do change over time and don’t always repeat the same errors they did before. Also, teens and young people often make mistakes while “experimenting,” so it’s fair enough for a reasonable person to give a little more leeway for things people did in their formative years, as long as they weren’t dangerous criminals.

spectralgiraffe 2/7/2018 - 12:33 am

I haven’t met up with certain guys I met online in the past for fear of being murdered/raped/tortured etc

a1957 2/6/2018 - 6:39 pm

Hello falling_soup. I myself have had seemingly unsolvable problems in life but they are starting to be solved. I am not out of the woods with my problems yet but things are improving. This thanks to my therapist. I hope you are talking to one now. Hint: therapist yes. Psychiatrist no.

vieve 2/6/2018 - 7:10 pm

Hi falling_soup, please don’t listen to Foundhappiness’ hateful and misogynistic words. I know how you feel. I’ve been in an abusive relationship myself. I didn’t think I could ever leave; I thought no one else would ever want me and that I deserved everything I felt and also I truly believed that I was the one who was going crazy, hurting him, etc. It wasn’t until I got some distance from the relationship that I understood just how bad it was. But cutting him out of my life was the best thing I’ve ever done.

Please, just get rid of him. If you’re too scared to do it in person, honestly you could call him on the phone or send a text (I know that’s generally considered pretty shitty, but he’s abusive and you don’t know what he will say or do if you try breaking up with him face to face–maybe he would try to manipulate him into staying or maybe he would get violent, who knows). What is important is that you take care of yourself. I know it’s scary, you think you might not be able to make it on your own, but I promise you, you can. It will be so much easier when you don’t have him in your way.

miszion 2/6/2018 - 8:55 pm

I was gonna say, text message break ups aren’t regarded (or shouldn’t be) as shitty if the person on the receiving end is a shitty person. I’m so sorry you ever ended up in an abusive relationship like this, vieve, but I’m grateful that your experience gives you empathy for others in this situation.

vieve is right, it isn’t easy, but this relationship isn’t worth your overall well-being. If your friends support this decision to leave him, make sure they are with you when you do finally do it, because having them around will make a world of difference.

iamdarling 2/6/2018 - 7:56 pm

leave him.

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