Yes, I am lost thank you for noticing

  February 6th, 2018 by falling_soup

It has been a while since I posted here, I like logging on here and getting the terrible things inside my head and on this blog. Yes, I am lost thank you for noticing. I relapsed with my cutting (go me.) and doing anything I can to escape these toxic thoughts. I have been doing somewhat better, I can cope better, I do not feel like the constant urge to kill myself is around all the time. I feel more positive, but my boyfriend weighs me down, my depression, the trauma, etc. all just stupid things I thought were stupid so I would not think about them. I guess it became to much, when my boyfriend is a verbally abusive… I can not stand how he controls me. I  have friends who think I should leave him and yet I use him as this stupid crutch. I hate myself for that. I am damaged and him in my mind is what I deserve, so I settle. I think he can make me feel good but really when he says these toxic words I cry in private. He can not be with me because he is too busy hating himself  and feeling depressed. I cried on the car ride home after I dropped him off at work, I came home, I felt numb, found my blade and cut. I felt myself just wanting to do more and more. I covered a part of my arm in tattoos last year to cover up the scars I had from last attempts to cope. I just made more but around them, I hate myself, the other day we fooled around and after? I looked at him and had almost vomited, I ran to the bathroom and cried. I was sexually assaulted by a friend  so I feel fragile, my boyfriend doesn’t care and if he does he has a shitty way of showing it. I remember I used to say that my mom loved me but had a shitty way of showing it. He does the same thing, and that is why I need to get out, but the silly thing is I probably will ***** out and just not do it but continue to be in the same sad dark fucking place I always have been. I am like his fucking babysitter, I do not ever get cared for in return. I am sick of this and all of the pain but I deal with it so I guess I shouldn’t be complaining because I am choosing to stay in it or whatever. FUCK, I just wish I had some fucking strength to leave him, but I don’t. I am to drained and tired to even fight. I hate everything, I feel so empty and grossed out with myself. I fear I just continue to be abused and never do shit about it because I have no balls.

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