I’m so done with all the bullshit in life! There have been many things that have happened to me, and the last straw came when I got robbed last year. I felt so weak and helpless and chose to give them my shit, even though I had my gun with me like always.
It’s tearing me apart because I feel like a piece of shit who deserves every bad thing that happens to me. Almost none of my friends want to hang out with me. It’s easy to tell because they make up excuses for it, yet they’ll post pictures I’m Facebook of them with their other friends.
Every girlfriend I’ve had has just seen me as a piece of meat. At least that’s what it seems like and even though I’m a guy, I hate it! Literally the only thing I’ve got going for myself is that I’m attractive, and i know that by admitting that, a lot of people are going to hate me for it or call me stuck up. But it’s literally the only thing I’ve got going for me. If it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t get to have sex anyway. Fuck and chuck sucks, but at least it’s better than nothing, so I should probably have a bunch of one night stands (while being honest about expectations of course) and make sure they have a good time.
I have a long distance girlfriend who seems to care about me, but I’m thinking of breaking up with her and doing those one night stands before I kill myself. I know methods aren’t allowed here, so all I’m going to say is that i won’t use a gun even though i can because i don’t want to give fuel to the anti gun side of politics.
To top it all off, I think I have body dysmorphia, and I’m slightly overweight but losing enough to be at the normal BMI and even putying on muscle wouldn’t give me as much satisfaction as it would before because all I can think about is how nobody cares about me. My family might, but they’re too stressful to be around anyway and I almost never visit them. It may make me sound like an ass to say it, but familial love doesn’t feel anywhere near as good as love from friends or a girlfriend. It just doesn’t.
I already know if 2 good methods that I’m willing to use and I’ve just got to figure out a good time to do it. Maybe I should wait until I lose the weight so I have one final accomplishment, one final moment of happiness before I do it. But nobody is going to stop me and therapy and medication don’t help.
It’s my life. I didn’t ask to be born and i have no obligation to stay, regardless of how other people would feel. Anywhere between a few days to a few months from now, I’ll be gone. And don’t think I’ll change my mind, because I’m stubborn and strong willed! At least I won’t have to deal with the torment everyday of knowing that nobody likes me as a person and with those constant, uncontrollable thoughts of the robber who I knew and never got caught. Once I said I was depressed (but not suicidal) I noticed that they distanced themselves from me. I hate being fake though, so at least I don’t put up a front of being ok when I’m not. The only thing that would have a chance of changing my decision is if he ended up dead and if it was on the news.
End of rant
12 comments
It’s hard enough to deal with all the shit that happens in life let alone trying to realize that we don’t deserve it and are worthy of more. People are utterly selfish in many ways and the few who can act selflessly are few and far between. It can also be hard for many to imagine the sincerity of those few and thusly they throw them aside and lose out for their own fears.
Your girlfriend cares though. You shouldn’t throw that away. You are worthy of love you just happen to be surrounded by those who are truly selfish. I learned like you that family truly means shit unless family is willing to reciprocate those feelings. We don’t pick them and many times parents tend to throw their life’s short comings on their children as well as being anxious to throw their kids out when they reach the age of 18.
I want you to know that even though I don’t know you I do care about you and if you would like to message me you can. My e-mail is Lifeisasewer@gmail.com
I’m not going to try to talk you out of it because I know your pain. I know how painful life can be and I agree that it’s your choice.
I have to go now but I will be back soon. A few hours tops.
Holy s** man.. this is harsh reality, eye opening but sounds very upsetting. I really hope you are ok, sincerely.
who cares if noone likes you as a person, as long as you like yourself and enjoy your own company. maybe one day youll come across someone who believes your company is enjoyable too. please rethink.
I’ve been considered attractive as well but regardless of how you look the world will treat each and every one of us like shit; it’s how we respond to those shits that matters most. Those who hurt us are like sandpaper, we get sharper as they get more useless. Right now, you’re in the middle of being filed and it hurts so bad but once that’s over, you’ll see a clearer picture.
Those robbers will eventually die a violent death or live a more miserable existence with the way they are living, if they have enough balls to rob someone, they’re more than likely to do something reckless enough to land themselves in a bigger pile of shit, just don’t let them take you down with them because they’re not worth it.
Your pride and dignity might be hurt right now, but remember that all greatness came from shit loads of failures. I’ve been conned twice while job hunting and at those moments I felt like you did, but when the humiliation wore off, I realized that being conned was just like paying for an expensive lesson and that lesson taught me well because I got sharper and now I can spot a con a mile away. I lost money but the lesson was priceless. I wouldn’t have been able to become a better and smarter person if I didn’t experience all those failures myself. Knowledge and experience is something no one can ever steal from you so don’t waste it. Scientists and researchers experience failures all the time, they just keep going with new information learned from their last failure and if they all quit with the first failure, we’d all still be cave dwellers.
“Friends” .. that word is being spread so thin these days. They are not your friends, at best, they are acquaintances because “Friends” stick by you for good or worst, share your pains and walk with you through hell.
I deleted facebook a few years ago and it was releasing. I now have more time to improve myself and my life instead of dwelling on other people’s seemingly perfect life while I felt more miserable about my own, having pity parties and cursing the world with each and every post. Why would you want to waste your precious time focusing on other people’s life when you can go live your own? It’s all a farce anyway because most people on there will only display their best moments; you’ll never get to see their worst moments and you’ll never know when they are suicidal because you only know what they’re willing to share and most of the time, it’s the good stuff because they want to be admired and envied, a very ego inflating place. The point of that site is for show and tell, not a place to share deep and complex emotions, it’s even in the name: “Face” and “book” just the decorative front cover selectively masking their reality. Facebook is not a place for authentic people like us who have nothing to hide.
No one, including yourself, can stop your darkest moments from blinding you into quitting life and we’ve all been there but realize that, that’s exactly what it is, moments. In reality, there are no happy endings or happy life, only happy moments and hellish moments, all sorts of moments as you live on. If you have lots of expectations from life, you’ll always get disappointed. Don’t expect anything in life because life makes no promises.
Looking at all you said from the outside….
I will say this…
You have a sort of “backup” under your belt…
What is it?
If you are good looking, that is what you can use to your benefit..
I mean, I am an older guy, also good looking,,, not stuck up to say so…. but I am.. and I know women notice tall and muscular… I am.
If you can go out and just pick through all of the trashy women,,, you can pick and choose,,, there are good looking ones out there….sincere ones,,, ones you don’t have to worry about as you would most others (cheaters, liars, etc.). How do I know that? Because I found one…. I just picked through the waste and found the treasure….
And your outlook will change….trust me…. it does…
But going for the shallow won’t get you anything worthwhile….
Ever…
I feel you, man. It’s hard to tmsay anything good about your looks without people thinking you’re stuck up.
And although looks obviously matter, I care about way more than looks in women. If they have a crappy personality but look good, some guys will put up with it, but not me. I just find another one who isn’t stuck up.
Being attractive and my will to improve my physique and be even better looking and feel better, along with magic mushrooms (any positive feelings I have are amplified during the trip), are the two main things keeping me alive. I know it’s sad/pathetic to many, but I figure if I can get into a good long term relationship where the woman actually tries, then I can get some of the love Ive always wanted (I’m a giver, too. Not just a taker). My long distance girlfriend has been messaging me a lot less and I feel less for her than I previously did, so im thinking about breaking up. Since I hate the pain of rejection (usually happens only if they hate how I dress or if they already have a boyfriend), I’m thinking of going on Craigslist and going to casual encounters or something to land a few hookups in the hopes that one of them will turn into more.
Still, I’ll probably feel pretty crappy and still plan my death out until I find out something happens to them, which if it does there’s a good chance I’ll hear about it. Maybe I should keep all relationships casual until then if it ever does happen that way, I won’t have a girlfriend when I die and she won’t be devastated by my death.
Sorry about all the details. It’s just I plan most things in my life out very carefully, like my career and such
Casual encounters isn’t very likely at all to land anything permanent that’s why it’s casual.
Love mushies! Closed caps.
There’s a lot of other stuff that happened, too. Until the age of 18, I was in Child Protection Services because of problems my mom caused
You’re right about how it’s not likely to lead to anything, but it did once for me. Only once though. If not, it’ll still be fun.
Another option is to go for older women, who are more likely to approach me in person and be straight up and mature. They don’t play games nearly as often as women my age do, and that’s what I value most about them. Women my age tend to be very immature and end relationships for the dumbest reasons, including the opinions of their friends about trivial things, like the fact that I’m Goth (always liked the style, always will be). Hell, the last one was my former next door neighbor and she broke up because of that and did it over a text message while being vague and saying she wanted to be friends, but I refused and told her that I’d rather not talk at all.
I don’t care if anyone around me thinks saying older women is gross. I’ve been wanting to try it for a year now
Why date someone who disagrees with your personal style and values in the first place? Didn’t you check their preferences and values before jumping in? If you don’t ask questions, you’ll find out the hard way and that’s what happened. You need to be more selective and careful in the picking instead of just picking the prettiest apple off the grounds only to bite into it and find it rotten inside. Wouldn’t you rather take the effort to climb the tree and get the best? If not, that’s on you.
Ironic thing is, women your age who are mature usually go for older men because they think guys their age are immature too.
I do check their preferences, but the thing is that they’re very fickle. They’ll see one small perceived problem in the relationship and end it without even trying to fix it.
Yeah, that’s pretty ironic that the few mature ones my age tend to go for older men, but eh. I’ll just have to date older women (30’s) instead. That’ll be a good solution