March 5th, 2018 by Vivid Enigma

I’m so done with all the bullshit in life! There have been many things that have happened to me, and the last straw came when I got robbed last year. I felt so weak and helpless and chose to give them my shit, even though I had my gun with me like always.

It’s tearing me apart because I feel like a piece of shit who deserves every bad thing that happens to me. Almost none of my friends want to hang out with me. It’s easy to tell because they make up excuses for it, yet they’ll post pictures I’m Facebook of them with their other friends.

Every girlfriend I’ve had has just seen me as a piece of meat. At least that’s what it seems like and even though I’m a guy, I hate it! Literally the only thing I’ve got going for myself is that I’m attractive, and i know that by admitting that, a lot of people are going to hate me for it or call me stuck up. But it’s literally the only thing I’ve got going for me. If it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t get to have sex anyway. FuckĀ  and chuck sucks, but at least it’s better than nothing, so I should probably have a bunch of one night stands (while being honest about expectations of course) and make sure they have a good time.

I have a long distance girlfriend who seems to care about me, but I’m thinking of breaking up with her and doing those one night stands before I kill myself. I know methods aren’t allowed here, so all I’m going to say is that i won’t use a gun even though i can because i don’t want to give fuel to the anti gun side of politics.

To top it all off, I think I have body dysmorphia, and I’m slightly overweight but losing enough to be at the normal BMI and even putying on muscle wouldn’t give me as much satisfaction as it would before because all I can think about is how nobody cares about me. My family might, but they’re too stressful to be around anyway and I almost never visit them. It may make me sound like an ass to say it, but familial love doesn’t feel anywhere near as good as love from friends or a girlfriend. It just doesn’t.

I already know if 2 good methods that I’m willing to use and I’ve just got to figure out a good time to do it. Maybe I should wait until I lose the weight so I have one final accomplishment, one final moment of happiness before I do it. But nobody is going to stop me and therapy and medication don’t help.

 

It’s my life. I didn’t ask to be born and i have no obligation to stay, regardless of how other people would feel. Anywhere between a few days to a few months from now, I’ll be gone. And don’t think I’ll change my mind, because I’m stubborn and strong willed! At least I won’t have to deal with the torment everyday of knowing that nobody likes me as a person and with those constant, uncontrollable thoughts of the robber who I knew and never got caught. Once I said I was depressed (but not suicidal) I noticed that they distanced themselves from me. I hate being fake though, so at least I don’t put up a front of being ok when I’m not. The only thing that would have a chance of changing my decision is if he ended up dead and if it was on the news.

End of rant

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