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by ourdarkestparadise

I doubt anyone will bother reading all of this.

I just feels good to rant

I hate life. I don’t get why I’m unhappy, my life isn’t that bad; way better than some. I hate the fact that i complain about so much when it could really be so much worse. Am i really that ungrateful? It makes me hate myself so much more. I should be happy. I shouldn’t want to die. But i do, i hate myself, i inflict pain on myself. I’m so much of a fucking failure i can’t even kill myself. I tried and i bloody failed. I’m such a fuck up i can’t even do that! What’s bloody wrong with me. Please someone kill me. I dont think i can do this.

I’m failing school, losing friends, my own mother told me she couldn’t love me because my mental health. I don’t care enough about anything besides one person and it ruins me that i hurt him so much because of the way i am. It kills me that i can’t be good enough for him. Why am i such a mess. Why can’t i do anything. I know i need help but i don’t want it, I’d rather die than get better. It would make everything so much easier.

I hate the person I’ve become, always unhappy and tired. Locking myself away from the world. Sitting in my dark depressing room. I’ve become a monster that i promised myself and others i would never be. I feel so broken, so empty. I don’t know what happened to me, it’s like one day something inside me snapped and now i just can’t do anything. Every aspect in my life is a mess. I never care enough, about school, myself, other people; i just can’t help but wonder whats the point of everything. I know I’m going to be a failure all my life, I’m struggling so much in school how am i meant to handle real life.

One day none of this will matter.

 

 

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7 comments

born loser 3/7/2018 - 6:41 am

I bothered to read it. I’m curious how old are you? If you are still young, you still have time to turn your life around

ourdarkestparadise 3/7/2018 - 6:51 am

I’m 16, in my last two years of high school. I know i still have time to change but i just struggle with it so much

born loser 3/7/2018 - 6:53 am

Don’t kill yourself. You are too young. Btw I liked the poem you just wrote

ourdarkestparadise 3/7/2018 - 6:55 am

Yeah i guess, how old are you? Also thank youu first time I’ve shared it so I’m a bit anxious on what people think

born loser 3/7/2018 - 6:59 am

I’m 30. Stay strong

ourdarkestparadise 3/7/2018 - 7:00 am

Thank you <3

flutterby 3/7/2018 - 11:24 am

I read it all too.
You know, if you aren’t paralyzed with anxiety and depression, it isn’t too late to open that door and go back to trying to live again. It’s tough and it won’t ever be easy but it will get easier to deal with the toughness of it all after you try for a while. (Hope that’s not confusing. I just woke up and have yet to get out of bed so…)
I was always too stubborn, trudging through a shitty life, not really believing in hope, wanting to die but looking for a better life. I still haven’t made it to the other side. I still think very seriously about suicide but I have a better ability to discern for myself rather than the depression making decisions for me.

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