Annoyed by my regression

So I’ve been dealing with PTSD for quite some time now, and been in therapy for almost 2 years now. In the last few months my situation got worse again, got completely disconnected from everyone around me(like really everyone, besides from people from work that I have no choice but to spend my days with). Probably due to some stuff that came out in therapy that I was really trying to avoid bringing up. I knew I wasn’t ready to deal with those skeletons for various reasons but I felt cornered and it just got out.

Along with that I also really tried getting better – still taking my meds regularly, stopped doing any drug and alcohol abuse and I guess a part of me hoped that it will help.

And it did, for a while. Sure. But then, yesterday I go to see my therapist. Nothing really interesting comes up, and she didn’t seemed to be pushing into it either which seemed odd.

5 minutes before the end of the session she decided to tell me she’s leaving the clinic soon and I need to think what do I want to do after. So I can stay in the clinic but I don’t want to cause my borderline needs a bit more stability than being kicked out again after a year. Luckily I can afford seeking private treatment which will be expansive AF. Thing is, it took me over a year to start trusting her. A year full of suicidal thoughts, substance abuse and worries from end whether I’m going to make it out alive. Sure, I’m much better now. I know therapy is good for me and I know that I can do it and open up again. My therapist said that it might be easier cause I already been through this and came out somewhat alive. But I know how it works and I really thinks it will go the other way around.

I just really don’t have the energy to start this all over again, nor do I know how to find the energy to find someone new. How do you even do that? I should just give them a call and say “hey so like im really fucked up want to treat me? Can’t promise it will be fun tho!”? Thats just seems so awkward.

Anyhow, after just trying to think that will be ok and it might even be refreshing to start with someone new my dad decided to pull a stunt on me. Just to remind me my place in the world I suppose. And now I find myself again, after almost a year of not feeling suicidal (when asked by the doctors I always said that I still want to die, and probably always will, but the meds and therapy took away the actual drive to do it) it’s back. Along with of course a bottle of whiskey that I bought after not having any alcohol in my house in the past 2 years. And just for fun I choose the brand of the last bottle I had, that was thrown away half empty by my friends who took me to a hospital after a pretty bad night of drug abuse. And now I’m surfing those sites again and feeling like a complete idiot. And it’s so stupid. I know that it’s common to have this regression before the end of therapy but I can’t help it I guess. Specifically cause it’s such a bad fucking time. Why make me tell you all those things if you know you are leaving? And why my dad had to act again like an asshole just now? And how did I not see it coming.
I should probably tell my therapist that I’m back on the suicide track but it’s so expected that I don’t think I can bring my self to do it. Which is scary cause I’m so isolated right now that I might actually go through with it.