Here’s my deal

I’m 19 and I’ve had mental health issues all my life. I’m dumb and lazy, I’m not very good in school. Well I used to be, I was home schooled, but it sucked because my mom is kind of a shitty parent and an especially shittier teacher, but I’d teach myself things and read all day never going anywhere. I didn’t really have any friends and the one’s I did got ripped away from me or beat me up or spread lies about me. I only really knew christian people in the hack job of a church we went to. I convinced my mom to let me go to high school to actually be with the “normal” kids and I quickly found out even more what a freak I was (am). Found myself a boyfriend four years older than me because I was stupid and young and wanted someone to be there for me. Obviously he broke up with me since he was going off to college and I got caught with a handful of pills and a glass of water crying in my bed. I never actually did it, but got dragged to to the hospital anyway and got diagnosed with anxiety on top of my “depression”. Speed up to a few years where I’m sort of comfortable, realizing I kind of missed out on things as a kid not really being able to see other kids on a regular basis except the asshole across the street who went to my church and repeatedly gave me black eyes and broke my teeth as his mom laughed about it. God I wish I was confident enough to have fought back. So anyway, I got a new boyfriend after figuring out I’m pansexual and he helped me out of an abusive relationship with a girl. He turned out to be a bigger asshole than her. Really awful relationship, I’m uncomfortable in my sexuality now and gender I’m a fucking mess and I hate myself because of him and I have horrible memories that I’m trying to downplay in my head but I can’t help but stop whatever I’m doing whenever I think of them. So I got fucked from that. Basically I’m just a little cry baby and can’t handle anything thrown at me, I’m just making a bunch of excuses. I tried a few other times to off myself with no success. Ended up either throwing up any pills I swallowed or just plain woke up sick and hallucinating still having to go to school. My grades were ass and I got high all the time senior year but I somehow got a full ride scholarship to the local uni thanks to my pressured-to-get-good-grades freshman self that made my gpa still very good. It seems that I just can’t get over being an oddball social outcast though. I tried to get a job or two and basically got fired from both because I’m too slow and incompetent to be able to do things really fast and keep a happy face all day. I think everything is pointless, why do I have to look happy being there when I want to stab myself in front of every person that bitches at me for not having the right mug in stock as if I control it. And no Karen, there aren’t any in the back or they would be on the shelf. So I’m in school still heavily relying on my parents who I don’t really get along with but enough that I still go to the house and spend time with them, I wasn’t treated badly by them I just don’t like the way they chose to raise me and their religion and won’t accept me, but we just never bring it up so, water I suppose. I don’t have a job, I’m too panicky to get a driver’s license and I’m already on a fine black-box concoction of pills for my new diagnosis of bipolar II and ADD so I don’t want any anxiety meds. Nobody will really talk to be except a few people and even they think I’m kinda weird which is understandable. I’m ugly as fuck and short and I used to be fat but depression took care of that thank god. Right now I’m not really trying in school at all because I’m fucking tired, I’m tired of all this stress and having to come here is expected of me because I got that dumb scholarship. I’m failing classes and my gpa is too low to keep my scholarship. If I fail school that’s it, my parents and family will be furious. I am not going to live with them again. I just don’t think I can even face the disappointment I’ve brought upon myself either. I did want to become an animator after all, or illustrator or whatever. Seems easy to get an art degree but I’m so awful at math. So fucking stupid. It’s lights out pretty soon I’m done. I didn’t even fucking plan to get past 18 I’m not ready for this shit. Everyone treats me like an adult when I feel like I barely got a childhood because the only social skills I got was in high school and I had to socialization of  6 year old. I’m a kid right now. I’m like 17 at most I don’t feel 19 I’m not supposed to be an adult yet. I’m just bitching about this shit man like fuck some people had it way worse than me It’s really funny actually. God, I really need to get myself out of here for other people’s sake, fuckin stupid *****. It’s literally over once I lose that scholarship fuck it maybe it’s over sooner than that. I wanna go for real, I know the next time I try I ain’t messing with pills n shit I’m gonna hang myself. I have one chance because I’m not gonna ever go back to a normal life if I don’t get it right. I hope that I’ll at least be reincarnated into someone who everyone loves, and someone who loves themselves, who’s pretty and hot and tall and skinny and has amazing hair and good teeth and health and talents. Or maybe I’ll go to one of those places I’ve dreamed of. I’ll be a hero to the whole world and everyone will love me. I’ll have a friend and we’ll go adventuring in the mountains together and beat giant creatures that are controlled by evil like in an rpg and save the world. or face off against aliens. or even just live in little cottage by myself eating off my vegetable garden and having a pet cat that will always love me. I don’t know, but I know I can’t stay here.