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Hitting a mental wall.

by falling_soup

If I died, I think I could benefit some people. I could go somewhere like a train track or a bridge to hide the fact that I lived with my boyfriend from some of my family when they know I died. I could give the next of kin some of my savings. I don’t have much but it’s something. People would be free from my burden, no one would have to shit on me anymore, tell me I stress them out. I feel like I will never be better. I try and fix myself again and again but the same parts and pieces break off. I am a broken record. I hate myself and how I think I can beat my depression. like somehow it is going to just be okay again.

No babe I don’t love you. You sit here and tell me how worthless I am. You get stressed out by ME. That you can not handle the financial stress because of ME, its my fault you don’t have a good job, its MY fault I can not keep a job to support us. its MY fault I am 6 years younger, that I can not be like you. All inside your head and alone. I try and tell you how I feel but I guess I need to be an adult. I WANT TO DIE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T… You can’t be here for me when I need you the most. You blame me for all your problems. I will leave you.. ALL ALONE JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT. You can’t save me from the evil inside my head, you just sit there and encourage it. My depression is always trying to beat me and you just gave it an upper hand. You don’t get it. You are not someone I want to spend forever with, if I don’t leave you soon I might just try again. It’s been a little over a year since the last time I tried to die. I want this time to work. I have such a hard time seeing myself in the long term with you. You are a toxic person. There are so many reasons why I do not love you anymore. I hope you will see them all and change yourself, or not, be alone till the day you die. I can not be that girl for you. I am not your punching bag sweetheart. I seem to be really good at jumping from one shitty situation to another.

 

You ALSO should stop lying, be honest, if you like to be the filthy piece of shit you are, own it. I know I have. I hate every part of me. I want to die, I want to make it messy. I want to rub my death in your fucking face because you pushed me over the ledge, I know they say you should not blame yourself for someone’s suicide but I want you to blame yourself every day. SIT IN WHAT YOU DID. DEAL WITH IT. I am so hurt, I am tired, when I left the shitty situation with my mom, you just put me into another one. You are emotionally abusive, controlling and a narcissist.

 

If it’s not today, it will be soon. It’s nice to live by a train.

 

Love Always,

Soup

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3 comments

Stefan1984 3/21/2018 - 12:01 pm

Soup,
A narcisist never feels guilty. They always feel they are superior to others, so when you kill yourslef he will blame you for troubel he might get from it, not himself. The only way you can drag him with you into a shitty situation is dying in a way police think he killed you and send him to jail for example.
But you sound in deep troubles. I think you should decide for yourslef;
– Are you depressed because of him? Dealing with a narcissist is realy havy, they take all your self-esteme take make you feel worhtless next to them. So if he is the cause of your depression leave him, there are othr men on earth, and you might feel much bettr without him.
– if the depression is not because of him, and you realy see no way out i can understand you want to leave. But never kill yourslef because of someone that doesn’t love you, he is not worth it.

falling_soup 3/21/2018 - 2:12 pm

My mom is a narcissist, so when I see him do similar things it can become challenging. I have talked to friends who know him and agree that he may never change. I think that he is toxic and that can make things worse for my depression. I am not really sure what to do, I feel really numb. I think you are right, he would just try and blame me for the shit I gave him to deal with. I do not love him, he is needy and thinks that by having me around to abuse it makes things better. That is exactly how my mom is and that can be hard to deal with (again).
Thanks for the support <3 soup

Stefan1984 3/21/2018 - 2:22 pm

Is it possible for you to leave him and live on your own?
A toxic influence, like your mom and your boyfriend, can drive you over the edge, even when normally you wouldn’t give up yet. I’ve been suicidal for 8 years. Since a week i found the person i’ve searched for my whole lfe, after a realy toxic childhood. I’ve always thought that when i found the person that was like me we woudl just dy and sink in hell togehter, but i was wrong. now we foudn eachother we first want to try to fidn some happiness on earht together first. I know this might sound silly: i realy hate those people always telling “life can be better, don’t give up”. The only thing i want to say is: sometiems people drive you to the edge, were you not woudl have been or might not be annymore with other people aroudn you. First try to remove the toxic influences from your life. If you still decide you don’t want a new start annymore, do what you feel as best. but first try to get rid of the people pushing you deeper.

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