trouble breathing. trouble listening. chest hurts. I feel like I have a lot to say but no sound no sound. I smother a piece of paper with the word ‘selfish.’ It repeats itself, I repeat it. Looks like a drawing of my mind, the echo chamber. ‘Selfish,’ ‘selfish,’ I see why some people choose a higher power whether its god or bdsm just so they can focus on something out of themselves.
I like to read the stuff you folks post here. It makes me feel calm, it’s weird maybe, but hearing someone wants to die, when they describe their pain, I don’t know I just feel like it soothes some of my pain. Selfish.
Then again whenever I hear my partner say it, I feel shame and dread and fear so I don’t know what that’s about. He is in the kitchen repeating the word ‘elastic’. We are all many faces of the same person really.
Sometimes I am being normal in a supermarket when suddenly I have a vision of myself screaming and throwing things off the shelf. I have to take a moment to think, what if i did that for real? and also, did i? Also when I’m on the phone. Or in a kitchen, I imagine a knife in my belly. Did it really happen?