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I just feel mad

by namelessqueer

I don’t know how to communicate what I’m feeling to my partner.  We haven’t spent time away together for over a year and getting her to commit to something is just more energy than I have. I don’t want to struggle through this anymore. I don’t want to do anything. a part of me would rather be dead than deal with this stupid conversation one more time.  I just feel broken.  Like nothing matters.  Like I don’t matter.  I don’t know what will happen.  I don’t know if this will work.  I don’t know if I want to even be with anyone. I’m so tired.  Maybe I should just foster a child on my own and call it a day.  I can build my life around that.  But should I make that commitment knowing that I still think about dying many days. Would they even let me?  I’m drained.  To many possibilities, not enough options.  God, please see it fit to kill me.  I’ve survived for so long.  Give me nothingness.

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flutterby 3/21/2018 - 6:14 pm

Well fostering a child on your own sounds like an excellent idea but first you need to make a commitment to STAY ALIVE! Maybe even commit to not dwell on suicide at all.
Raising a child is stressful if not also difficult. You want to do all these things for them yet you are limited by money, time and energy.

Maybe try having a talk about the ‘lets get a kid’ talk and see what bothers them about it. Find out if they are scared too or not ready.
Don’t just sit there and feel like you don’t matter until you have such a great understanding of where they are at because they just might not know how to tell you.

You do matter and I wouldn’t be surprised if they agreed.

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