I’ve never been good at giving my writing a title

March 14th, 2018by pqtp

I’ve grown to be more and more uncomfortable in different situations every day. It’s hard for me to continue work and college, and it’s even becoming difficult to hold conversations with my girlfriend of nearly 2 years and my family. Since I was 14, I’ve been horrified of the thought of hurting anyone, physically or mentally, and it made me curious why for some reason that didn’t apply to myself. I don’t see myself as a worthwhile person, and I always try my best to stay out of the way so I don’t cause any problems for anyone else. For about a year when i was 15/16, I almost completely unknowingly was starving myself. I worked most days of the week in 8-10 hour shifts without eating a single thing. This got to the point that I commonly was sent home for throwing up or signs of heat stroke. One evening, towards the end of that summer, I walked to a nature center that was relatively close to where I lived, and found where I would eventually plan take my life. That of course didn’t happen. Fast forward a bit and I’m coming off of a brighter point in my life. I’m back into routines and not giving much thought into what’s going on in my life. things started to get dreary again and every thought, small or large, comes rushing back to me. I spent a few weeks away from school, most of which are spent in bed. I started to get a little better and when I began feeling good again, my best friend died. I don’t keep a lot of friends in general, but the ones I make, I get horribly attached to. I could barely think anymore, and any time I tried to speak, it came out as mumbles and stuttering instead of actual words. I spent a short time in a behavioral health center where I was (finally) formally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety, Depression, and OCD. I was miserable there, but it kind of gave me a small compass to show me what I needed to do to help better my anxiety. I started seeking help with therapy, was attempting to get on medication, and doing anything I could to try to get some confidence. I’m still young, and constantly told I have a bright future, but I’m starting to feel myself slip again. My only hope is that everything has ups and downs in life, and I just have to keep myself aware that I will eventually become happier again, even if it means I’ll be depressed shortly afterwards anyways. I don’t want my family or my girlfriend to worry about me, but I’m not entirely sure how to tell them what is on my mind either. I urge anyone who feels like I do (Hopeless, low self-worth/esteem, hatred towards self, no future) to seek help. You are worth it, and even if you don’t know it, someone out there loves you

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