Keeping Level

  March 12th, 2018 by Minxtou

Recently things have been looking up for me. I said “fuck you” to my anxiety and took a vacation to Japan. I’ve met lots of wonderful and fun people, and have even started seeing someone (casually I guess).

I’ve been motivated to study Japanese, and so I have worked quite diligently, studying over 25 hours in the last two weeks. Which might not seem like much but I’m working part time. In a good way I am reminded of when I was 18 and “going places”. I had an important, influential job (for an 18 year old) and lots of responsibilities. It was so stressful that I burned out for almost 5 years, but that is okay I think, because now I understand myself better.

Despite things going well (or perhaps because of it), I feel more stress and some of that stress is motivating. But sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming and I fall back into a really emotional way of dealing with the world. I start crying and I think to myself, “I should never have tried to XYZ, I should just die, I should just kill myself”.

But despite that, it is starting to get easier to come back from that, to get back to a more normal state more quickly. ?

So after so many years of anguish, it is starting to look up, at least for a while, and I’m okay with that.

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