Lonely as always

It’s nice to have a nonjudgmental place to share my feelings and try to help others, though I’m only a new member. Part of me wants to put more about myself on here, but i don’t eant to put too many identifying details, partially because it would be tragic for the members here to find out when i die and who i am (or was) when the time comes. It’s mainly because I’d want anyone reading this to feel as little emotional pain as possible. The potential pain of others will not stop me, I find myself caring more about the wellbeing of the people on this site than of most of those that I know in real life. Crazy, isn’t it?

Anyway, I’m going to start schooling for the profession I want to go into next week, and will finish by the end of this year. If I’m still lonely as hell at that time, I will cut my time short. I probably won’t even give myself that long before my decision, but there’s a possibility of it. It all depends on how lonely I get, how much stress there is, and my financial situation. If I can’t pay my rent one month, I’ll take my life before then. Simple as that, though that likely won’t be a problem.

Some of the REAL friends and potential girlfriends I had a few years ago while I was still a minor drifted apart from me because of the dumb rules of Child Protection Services, meaning that it was because of the strict rules on where i could go and when i had to be back at the youth shelter they’d placed me in. It may not be my fault, but I think of how much better it could’ve been at least every other day. I feel like what my childhood and possibly early adult years have been have been fucked up to some degree because of them. I’m really trying, but no matter what I do, the loneliness makes me feel like a failure and sometimes causes me to get sick. If I’m lonely and die of sickness, I don’t really care because im miserable anyway at that point.