near death experience

when i decided to end my life, it wasn’t as painful as i thought. I just had one thought on my mind that i may not see his face never again. I started popping pills of nearly 15 benzos and anti depressants together. After taking all those I didn’t had any idea that I may wake again before morning. But exactly at 4.45 I woke up as if any force  had waken me up and I went for washroom , wore my slippers and went into the balcony of my hostel. It took just 5 minutes to decide to jump or not as i was very scared of heights from my childhood. I climbed the fence and i turned my back as I couldn’t face the earth while hitting my head. I hanged for nearly 40 seconds before jumping from 25 feet , second floor. Later i remember only opening my eyes in hospital ward surrounded by my cousins and my love. Now its been nearly 6 months this incident happend.  I decided to end my life because now i dont live anymore without him. Daily Iam just surviving and I see only darkness around me without his presence. His absence made me vulnerable. I know i shouldn’t leave my family as they are the boon of my life but i can’t hurt them as long as they live. i want to free them from my misery. for this now i have chosen to end my life in indirect manner. after alot of studies and surfing iam consuming small amounts of benzene daily. its been 10 days and i will continue this till the 500ml bottle of benzene reagent finishes. its horrible to drink it intentionally by adding that into my food but iam doing it. i know my presence and absence either of them will not alter his life but its for the peace of my soul .