No one know, no one cares…

(Long read so don’t bother)

I’m just so tired…
I can’t feel anything, I can’t enjoy anything…
I’m done feeling like this.

I’m sick of all of the promises, the lies, the shallow, sugar-sweet advice, the lackluster encouragement. The “it gets better”s , “you’re worth it”s , “hang in there”s , and “stay strong”s…
I’m sick of all of the medicine.
I’m sick of all of this time being wasted on someone who doesn’t deserve it. Don’t they understand that I’ve been through so much, I can’t be strong any longer. My future doesn’t just look bleak, it IS bleak, because the illness doesn’t go away. Neither does the trauma, and this will follow me my whole life, eating away at my mind and soul until there’s nothing left. Even if things do get better, even if i have “better days, it’ll still be there, lurking beneath the surface, waiting to pop right back up and make it all even worse. It’s not worth it.
I’m not worth it.
I’m (apparently) smart, but to a fault. I literally have to understand everything. Everything has to be perfectly understood and if it’s not, I start obsessing until I do (apparently this is common in INTJ personalities..) So all of my thoughts and feelings, etc. are identified and labeled (the fact that not knowing what i’m feeling raises my anxiety levels until I’m obsessed with identifying how I feel doesn’t help either.)
But I don’t know what to do with them then.
So they sit there, labeled but…now what?
Often times, the people around me mistake this for self awareness and coping, and assume I’m fine and I’m able to handle things. After all, everyone says that “Identifying feelings is the first step in the healing process.”
That isn’t the case. I still feel the emptiness, the numbness, the feeling of spiraling into a black hole. I still feel the unrelenting need to die, to end all of this.

I know that doesn’t make sense. It’s hard to explain.

All too often, I’m told that something is wrong with my personality. I’m so alienated from other teens. I’ve yet to come across a single person who i can relate to.

And the adults, all they want is for me to be a poster girl, a shining display of perfection. I’m expected to make the best grades and be better than the others and rise above and be happy and smiling and a good influence and a shining example of what not to be as a teen because you have so much potential and you’re so mature and oh don’t worry nothing’s wrong with you everyone gets sad sometimes i have anxiety too just think positive and focus on your education i know what you’re going through just stay strong it’ll be ok you have too much potential you’ll go far in life and be successful it’ll all be ok and… a broken record, constantly fed to me to be better, better, better under the illusion of encouragement. All it does is make me feel worse.

Just yesterday, I was in the midst of a panic attack, one of the many I usually have and just ride out until they’re over. This time, however, one of the girls in the room next to mine (I live in a group home) happened to come in to get something of theirs back from me. She alerted the night staff (it was around 12:00) and they waved her off, telling her to go back to her room. In short, it took persistent effort on her part to finally have someone come and check on me. By this time I calmed down slightly, going from crying uncontrollably and hyperventilating to rocking back and forth, scratching at my face, desperate to stop the tears. The staff on call stood at my door for about 5 minutes or so, calling my name. I then heard him sigh and speak in to his walkie talkie, saying, in a bored, almost exasperated way as if i was burdening him, that I was having a breakdown and he needed help. He made it sound as if I was a toddler throwing a tantrum. About ten minutes later, the shift leader came in to “talk” to me. She said my name in a detached way, and by this time I was aware of my surroundings again. She asked what was wrong, and I gave a brief look into what I was feeling. She asked me what happened to trigger it; I responded saying i didn’t know. With panic attacks, they often come randomly and without any particular reason, but she didn’t understand this. Instead, she grew she grew irritated and said that I was “too smart to be acting like this.” As if what I was going through was a choice and i was just making her job harder for her. She dismissed me, saying that she had anxiety too, and she never acted this way, so I have to pull it together because life gets harder. She, annoyed, said this wasn’t like me, I had too much potential, that there’s millions of people going through things far worse than I am so i should be grateful that i have a roof over my head, food to eat, etc…

It got me thinking. Maybe I am just overreacting and nothing’s wrong with me. I mean, there are people out there who’re far worse off than me, who have been through hell, who actually have a reason to be depressed and have issues. Maybe I really do need to just toughen up, because black girls are supposed to be strong, right? Maybe I am just a spoiled, weak, bratty teen and I need to face reality and get over myself. I often see articles and videos about disabled kids with rare diseases and conditions, and they’re happy and smiling, energetic and handling their lives just fine. They’re the ones who have potential. The disabled, the homeless, the chronically ill, they have a reason to want to die. If I can’t even handle my cozy, pathetic little life, then I really don’t deserve to live it.

I have the how, all I need is the right timing. There’s no need to leave any loose ends in my life.

Hopefully my “potential” will be transferred to someone who really deserves it.