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even though i’m an awkward introvert with social anxiety, i miss people. i miss being around people.

i’ve come to realise i’ve never really had a true friend, so, i can’t say i miss having friends. i don’t really know what it’s like to have friends. the idea doesn’t appeal to me much anymore. maybe, i miss the idea of them. the idea of a boyfriend is more appealing, which is weird, i know.

the idea of having someone i can expose myself to, and let them truly know me like no one else knows me, is bittersweet to me. it must be so… amazing, to love someone and have them love you back. all of you, all the bits and pieces you choose to expose to them and the bits that they discover themselves anyway. but, i’ve never had that, and it looks like i never will have that, which is the bitter part.

i’m the only person who knows me. who knows me inside out. and, that’s sad to me. if anything ever happened to me, no one would know the real me. i want to have people in my life who deserve to know the real me. i want to have people, or just one person, in my life that we can expose all aspects of ourselves to eachother, that we can love eachother so deeply, that we can rely on eachother no matter what.

i’m not just lonely, i’m alone. i’m so alone, and, i don’t want to be alone anymore. people need people. i need people.

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11 comments

flutterby 3/15/2018 - 8:49 pm

You are seeing an ideal relationship between you and a boy. Not what reality would bring you. Reality brings a boy who wants to get laid or a boy who thinks he loves you but is just trying to bring love to himself.
The reality of nature is so different than what we imagine before we get to it that when we get there we aren’t prepared and it’s worse than what we could imagine.
You might be so desperate that you take the first guy to consider you and you also are willing yo take on an s.t.d. just because you believe it’s love.
Don’t get caught up in an idealistic idea of what life could be because trust me…..life isn’t anything close to that.

But you are a special girl that deserves love from a true relationship. Just stop being in such a hurry.

iamdarling 3/15/2018 - 9:00 pm

i appreciate your advice and understand what you are saying. i probably spend too much time thinking of ideal fantasies scenarios in my head, it’s less painful than the real world.
unfortunately, i don’t know much about boys in this real world. maybe, you’re right that a simple teenage boy wouldn’t understand me and the ways i feel and think. i think i am much more mature than my peers.

but, i wouldn’t have sex anytime soon. i’m not ready, and i don’t really feel any type of need for it. depression lowers your sex drive, that could be why.

and i’d use protection. but, as all other signs in my life indicate, there’s no need for me to be worrying about that right now. the real world is out there and there are alot more worrying things than an std.

flutterby 3/15/2018 - 9:04 pm

Take it slow hun.
You are worth it!

Cause of Death: Suicide 3/16/2018 - 12:17 am

Yes., I guess I agree.. and this came to mind upon glancing at your conversation to add watch out for those who “play games” if you are looking for the real thing. It sounds very romantic what you are looking for and I suppose it will be when the time is right. I have faith that all your dreams will come true. I’d tell you where to look for “Mr. Right” but I, myself, haven’t the clue.

a1957 3/15/2018 - 8:50 pm

I can just barely do the friend thing myself. You know what you want and can express it too. You have insight.

Cause of Death: Suicide 3/16/2018 - 12:08 am

As a wise man once said “the owner of a lonely heart is much better than an owner of a broken heart.”

Thalen 3/16/2018 - 1:42 am

Sometimes we idealize too much the world that we want and the people that have or we’d love to have with us, we idealize the person that we think we should be, and all that does nothing but hurt us. I guess I do it too, I met some guy, and his company made me feel good, nice, important to someone; and I opened myself to him as much I could, too much I guess, and sacrificed many things to be close to him, because I needed him in my life. Unfortunately, although he was good with me and gave his friendship, company, advice and support, he couldn’t love me back because he was straight, I knew it since the first day, but I guess love is like this, so stupid. I don’t regret the sacrifices I made for him, he was a very good person and I still love him, but sometimes I wish I haven’t met him, because the emptiness in my heart is painful and heavy. Sometimes is better stay alone, I guess

anhedonic apathy 3/16/2018 - 2:15 am

People give life meaning. Your connections and interactions. I have always been a loner. I never really get close to anyone. And i know that is probably why I don’t care about anything.the world is a shallow empty place without those connections. Imagine if you were the only person on earth what would you have to live for. Solitary confinement is considered inhumane and causes mental issues.

So yea just for the sake of your mental health its important to seek out connections. You need friends, family, romantic relationships for a balanced life. I think your idea of what a romantic relationship will be only really exists in like fairy tales. Real life never lives up to that ideal. I mean its still vitally important but you just need realistic expectations.

MariannaMoonChild 3/16/2018 - 3:29 am

I’m sure someone loves you even if you don’t think so!
And God is always there, there’s a friend.

thehusk 3/16/2018 - 2:57 pm

Things sometimes change, especially when you’re young, and especially when you’re open to them changing. Maybe some version of what you want is out there waiting for you, but it’s unlikely to come easy – you’re probably going to have to meet and then move past a whole bunch of people who can’t understand you before you find someone that does. But perhaps along the journey you’ll learn some stuff, grow as a person, and even discover more to enjoy from life.

iamdarling 3/16/2018 - 5:13 pm

thank you.

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