I’m probably more useful being dead than alive. When i think about it, my parents will have less burden economically, emotionally, and affectively in long term. Maybe in short term they will feel sad and else but in further future they dont have to think of me again. My brother and sister will have easier time not to deal with me. My friends wont have to spend their energy to convince me and such. They can use it in more useful activity than arguing with me.
And most of all, i can be the bad example. My family can be more aware about their surrounding to help other people. The same goes to my friends. My death will become a data to suicide rates and people will make statistics to it and help the governor or anyone to become aware of it. But i cant kill myself because unbelivable reason, i’m scared of the afterlife.
But the point is, i dont need anybody’s pity. All i want is to be useful. In my life, i always become shit and dissapointment. Anything i’ve done is wasting energy and life. Being dead makes me more useful and purposeful. I hate this irrational fear.
2 comments
You can be useful. Don’t think about doing things for others. You can be useful for yourself. Even if you think the whole world is against you, you have yourself with you. You need to put this in your mind. That you have yourself in your everyday battle. Even if you have no one, you have yourself. You can learn things that you want. You can do things that you want. Stay strong. Try to rely on yourself more rather than others. Then you might find a way to help yourself. I hope you don’t think that I don’t understand your pain, but I do. I’m still in pain but sometimes I manage to help myself. I wish you think of yourself more 🙂
This made me think of this song (which you may or may not like obviously):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAxGdWdXA5w
You need more help for your depression, you CAN feel more empowered and less tortured by these thoughts. You can do things that are meaningful to you.