sick of life

hi this is gonna be a long story so better grabe some snacks while you can buddy.
so let’s get started i’m a 16 years old guy born in Morroco my childhood was kind of nice my father was strict but loving and my mom too in primary school i had always good grades even had people i called friends well in fact they were just using yep even my best friend al of them so in a burst on anger in tried to fight and just had my ass kicked all of primary chool by “friends” pretty lonely childhood am i right, the relationship with my mom started to go downhill with her insulting me when she was pisses of.
And then a miracle happened i was accepted in the best and hardest school in the country i fetl great if only i knew how much suffering that cured school will bring me.
1 year of middle school i tried to play it though so no one will test me it ended in me being hated by the all school that was chasing after me to kick my ass during recess also they where mocking me cause i was a little bit of a nerd reading books during recess and such which made hate everyone else because i though i was better
no need to say that in that first year my results weren’t that good.

second year i acted like an arrogant which caused me the worst marks i ever had and having all the class ignoring me all of the time which kind of drove me mad and cause me to hate absolutely hate when someone is ignoring me during that year i also met her she was so sad so alone and i wanted to be her light to help her in the end she helped more than anything and i just fell in love with her but got friendzones cause she believed i was too young and deserved better she absolutely hated herself and tried suicide several time my parents they were insulting me for being a antisocial trash that didn’t had any friends and my mother even insulted me on my physic i had acne kind of a lot.

my third year in middle school was the best one i puted on a jokster personna you know the funny guy always finding a joke to tell but deep inside didn’t feel a thing the only good news that year was that SHE also felt in love with so we went out dated and it was perfect never kissed or anything and i don’t care but overall that year was great even with my parents things were a little better
but now it brings us to my first year in high school since i studie in a different school systme let me explain to all of you at the end of the year i and the teacher will decide on one orientation basically it determins what i will studi and the kind of universities and jobs i can do later now that it’s out of the way let’s talk about the rest shall we ?
this is basically the worst year of my life i keep failing on all of the exams, teachers believe i don’t have any potential or anything, my parents are making me feel like a failure and i agree with them on that point SHE left saying she misinterpreted her feelings, I keep using the jokster personna that doesn’t care about what’s happening and who’s always cheerfull but that’s bullshirt and i am here alone, hating myself, wanting to die with absolutely nobody out there to help out…

I can’t even ask for help since mental illnesse like depression are not well seen in this country and it will just “bring shame to our family” or some shit, i can’t cope with all of the shit going on and finally there is that god damn tentation to just take a knive and slice deeply my wrist

And of course another problem is that i am a compulsive liar i swear i didn’t lie in this post but in everyday life i lie all the time to everyone about my life, my state, my feelings just about everything i don’t trust people can’t take the risk of being honnest

I kind of doesn’t even now why i post here who knows ? maybe i’ll get some support out here…