Stuck on a merry go round and need to get off…

March 13th, 2018by ladolcemorte

I am SO frustrated right now.   I’m miserable.  I want to die so badly…but I keep convincing myself that if I just try one more thing…just keep going…maybe things will turn around.

I am currently living with friends who took me in after the last suicidal crisis.  I’m working really hard.  Going to a CBT group and private therapy (that I can’t really afford) and an eating disorder group.

My therapist says I need to take the suicide option off the table, otherwise things won’t improve.  This makes pragmatic sense: if suicide is always on the table, it’s a distraction and it takes away time and energy from things you could be doing to improve your life.  (It has been brought to my attention by more than one clinician that perhaps if I applied the same sense of diligence that I exhibited in researching and planning my death toward a plan to improve my life I would be further ahead).

But I can’t take the suicide option off the table. I just can’t do it.  I’m not sure why.

So I keep going round in circles–trying to run toward a better life…trying really hard to improve things…but they never get any better.   Things never get any easier.  I’m constantly in a state of distress.   And it’s getting old.   Even the clinicians are getting “compassion fatigue”.  Even I’m getting “compassion fatigue” with MYSELF.  Which I’m pretty sure isn’t a “Thing” but it should be…

I’m just so tired of the cycle.  Get to the edge, real myself back in, try again…only to end up back at the edge again.  It’s just so exhausting.

Processing your request, Please wait....