The only prayer I have ever prayed

  March 11th, 2018 by Cause of Death: Suicide

Dear God/Heavenly Father, please allow me and grant me death before I wake up tomorrow. I understand if you can’t tonight, but if I’m not dead tomorrow, really, really soon please end my life, like, before Monday or before the 1st of next month. I know I ask for too much. Please let me go in my sleep.”

I didn’t want to have to kill myself. I prayed God could make it a natural occurrence in my sleep so I would not have to kill myself and worry about “OH MY GOD I SHOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF 6 YEARS AGO!!” I thought he would answer it, honestly. I thought the kindness in people’s hearts would guide me to my destination.. it has guided me in the completely wrong direction. It has guided me towards the life I never wanted.. I thought with the support of others,  I would easily and calmly find my early death/afterlife/bereavement. Maybe I was young and stupid but I am guided to destinations with none other than battles. All of the battles are against me and other innocents. Those working only against and never anyone with me.

Well, I have also prayed for my mother to get a liver transplant.  Why does my prayer for her get answered but mine for myself does not?

 

I would pray that every night when I was 10-14. I prayed for my mom at 21.

I prayed this again today thinking I am currently unable to end my life physically. I have been forging my path to my destination myself the last 6 years thinking God never answered my prayers and I was left with plan B. Maybe if my more recent prayer found an answer, mine old one could too….

My suicide note simply stated: “Thank you for all you have done, I hope you have a long happy life free of pain & woe.”

 

Anyway – today I truly feel: “You, you, you, you’ve got to know that you should have 6 years ago.”

And what has finally forced me to this final and definite conclusion! ..Is with my search for a reason to live day in & day out….with my search for a meaning…..I constantly come up empty-hand. I think,”When will I be shown meaning. When will I ever find my reason.” Everyday, I wake up as, “I am here and I am open to attract the reason I was meant to find or any reason..at all..to remain sentient.” and I come up FLAT. 

I have waited 6 years with honest and open heart and no, nothing changes. The hands on the clock don’t even move.

I do not want. I do not feel. I barely breathe. I sit and pray for a reason to live.

 

Do and try as I might, I must be who I am and live the life I want. I will not play Victim & Oppresor. I will not play Romeo & Juliet. I will not play Princess Bride/Fairytale. I will not play Cowboys & Indians. I will not play Cops & Robbers.

I will however play the feather floating in the wind. I will play long walks down country roads alone. I will play WARM sunshine in my face. I am not going to pretend we are playing the same game!

 

I have however in my search, found the reason behind why life is miserable most of the time, I ascertain

1) Nazi Germany + Adolf

Subject A:  Adolf Hitler.  To get to the psychological bottom-line of his forced oppression on the Jews, the Transvestites, the Gypsies, the Prostitutes, THOSE WHICH DID NOT HAVE blonde hair AND blue eyes.  

Advertisement: A testerone shitstorm! More diarrhea out of these men’s arseholes than you have ever seen POOPOOCACA in YOUR LIFE. And that diarrhea slowly but surely finds its’ way to their mouths…. 

Personal correlation:  Now sadly, I am of German descent so that must mean I’m a fucking madman. Blonde hair and blue eyes like who did my ancestors have to murder in order to give me these *special* characteristics!! Who am I, to be of German descent and not f*cking murder and oppress those without.

Questions: What sort of GRUDGE did Hitler have. WHAT DID THE JEW DO TO HIM? Did the Jew act wrong in his presence? Did the Jew conversate differently than him? Was the Jew speaking a different tongue, praising a separate holy being than his? Did the Jew destroy his personal life? Did the Jew…..stand up to him?

Psychological reasoning: He did what he could. He believed he deserved more than others. He liked a controlled environment and he liked being in charge of controlling it. He understand topics such as torment, fear, power. He knew how to hit you where it hurts. He understand the preciousness of life and how to take the rug out from under you. The screams of children must have amused him. Torture tickled him silly. The world was his to shape and mold however he pleased. He chose to mold it into a war zone. A place where a certain religion cannot be free. Forcing some into hiding. Inciting a following to do his dirty work!

 

 

 

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