The Root Of It All

  March 21st, 2018 by IrrationalLion

Ah the root of it all..  the one thing in my life I have no other option than to take like a champ because theres nothing anyone can do. I have severe epilepsy. It started out mostly just mild seizures in my sleep. Yes that’s scary as hell already since sometime they can get pretty bad sometimes. Like choking on my own saliva and eventually passing out bad. Only a few times though. I’ve trained myself to sleep strictly on my sides. Usually they’re not that bad a little painful a little confusion then its over and I can get up and calm myself down. These seizures may be the cause of my death someday but actually aren’t the biggest problem of mine. The second kind of seizures I have are small ones, where in normal situations I would be anxious about something but obviously could do the task or deal with the situation despite being nervous/anxious. But ever since my epilepsy came along now that normal anxious feeling is amplified times 10, makes me unable to talk, makes my eyes bug out, sometimes makes me shake a little or even like twitch. It happens multiple times a day. Anxiety is it’s main trigger but not always. At one point I was having roughly 50 a day. I probably have about 15-25 a day now. In june it marks 3 years that I’ve had this monster run my life. I can’t present infront of a class. I keep conversations super short on my bad days which occur often. I don’t know how the fuck i’m supposed to live with a stranger in a dorm in September and make all these new friends when simply talking to anyone triggers a seizure. I have to choose my major wisely because I don’t want to blow a bunch of money and years just to find out I can fulfill the job because it requires talking to a group of people or something. I’m living a constant hell. It’s embarrassing when someone tries talking to me and they see I’m all bug eyed and having to explain what happened. Especially when I tell someone my age or younger it freaks them out. I hate when someones approaching me or talking to me and I’m having a whole conversation with myself in my head praying I can keep talking and that I wont have a seizure. Life sucked before epilepsy but it was always bearable. I could be depressed as hell but I knew I could take it but everything going on with this monster I’m carrying on my back ? I don’t know how much longer ill hold out. My mother likes to think if I keep track of how many I have daily or in my sleep I can tell my neurologist and I let her think that but truth is I now have been a patient of a top noch neurologist in my area for months now and still daily seizures. Theres nothing they can do. They can keep juggling with my pills and hope someday they’ll find the secret combination but truth is ive been waiting over 2 years for it and now that I’m expected to go to college and live some normal life my doubt are higher than ever. My life is fucked up because of this and I wish I could say I’m living with it and that I have faith itll get better and that my medical condition doesn’t define me but it does and it holds me on a leash. If I ever decide to end my life ultimately this is the root of it all.

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