I continue to fail at everything I do. I’m at a point where I have to rebuild my life from scratch, or just give up. I’m not young, but I’m not elderly. It would be easy to go back to the job I left, but that job repeatedly left me feeling at my limit. It is no exaggeration to say I would rather die than go back. I gave it nearly a decade, hoping that I could learn to cope with it, but in the end I just didn’t care any more. I didn’t care about loosing my retirement pension, because I honestly thought I would be dead by now. I’ve muddled along for a while, but what I’m doing now isn’t sustainable. I need to find something new or end it all. This latest failure isn’t the first. There isn’t anything I’ve ever done well. I could find a way to live just for the sake of living, but why? Nothing I’ve done has made me happy. I’m at a point where I’m not afraid of death, or the pain involved in ending my life. I just feel like I’m dragging things out until everything completely falls apart. I’m just so tired.
5 comments
Same here, I’m surprised I even lasted this long. The more you drag it out, the more death seems like peace. At least you were able to land a job and keep at it. I can’t get myself employed if my life depended on it. I just need one last inevitable rejection to hopefully send me over the edge in the hunt for everlasting peace. I was always told I was unemployable anyway.
Yeah, it sucks not fitting into society’s expectations. Of course when I look at the current state of the human race I can’t make myself wish that I did fit in.
Great point! I would never want to conform to these standards.
Sounds like you need a vacation and to find something different to try with your life. Seriously. Try something you haven’t tried that you think will make you happy or even better something you never thought you ever could do.
My personal and direct suggestion is….
If you live in the U.S. go out to the west coast. Eugene California. Hang out on the beach and be “homeless”. Live in your car for a little while. Take a break for a month and live some life!! Adventure and explore. They have homeless services there so you can get fed etc. Or go to Fort Collins Colorado and do the same in the mountains. It’s something different and it’s not going to cut you off from being able to make that decision to just quit if you still want. You never know what you will end up finding.
I wish you the best. Maybe I’ll see you out there.
That’s your guts telling you to not settle for anything less than what you want. Those failures are just your stepping stones to what you’re really looking for.