I realized something. Rather, I came to an epiphany.
I do not deserve help. And I’m sorry for not realizing that earlier. I do not deserve help because I am not depressed. Because let’s face it, my issue is small. It’s not real. Not in a way like people know depression is. I have no reason to feel this way. And it shows. Noone cares. I know it. They know it. I. Don’t. Deserve. Help. My parents know it. All I needed to do was to take pills. I’ll get better. But I don’t. Why? Because I’m useless. I can’t get better because I haven’t made an effort. The pills should work. They should. But I don’t deserve it.
If I made friends, I won’t be lonely. But how do you cross a wall built by yourself? Someone calls me, I hang up after 5 seconds. Because I don’t know how to talk to people. Because my last true friend only existed for four years back when I was 7 and in elementary. Because my true self is so ragged and jagged to the touch that I put up a paper thin persona that fools noone and disgusts everyone. I can see how they think I’m a shallow idiot. Because whenever I open my mouth, I realize how disgusting I am. How disgusting I must look to everyone around me.
I don’t deserve anything. Not even to kill myself. I hate everything. But the good news is:
I hate myself even more.
4 comments
Except…………………………………………………you do deserve help.
i’m in the same position as you…
You aren’t’ disgusting……………….You’re YOU
I dont know how to talk to people either. I dont think very many people know how. That’s why everyone seems so angry and mean, because they’re terrified. “You scare the shit out of people, and they dont see how scared you are.”