Find Relief. Don’t bullshit yourself.

I remember that day where I feel so lost and fall into a despair. I googled that I want to die because I had no desire to continue the pain. I wanted the pain to end. Then I find this website, the Suicide Project, where no one would not bullshit me. I was going to commit the suicide, and I saw the link “If you think about Suicide, read this first.” and it lead me to a page. Clearly, I stay to read through. I paused my plan to suicide, like right a few minutes before. I paused because I read that if I want a relief from the pain, it is true that death can end the pain but it also ends the feeling of relief and everything else. I wanted to cry out of anger at that. I was stuck with no way out. I NEED THAT RELIEF… I choose to shall the time and myself. Keep telling myself that I will do it next few days or next week…

Until 7 months later where I have relief.

I finally get that but in a different way. I didn’t self-harm. I didn’t do any drinking or anything. Only that I trust someone very much to give me that relief from a kinky community. We had a consent scene, where she would give me some impact playing. It was supposed to be pleasure thing but it also helps me to release myself more in emotional and physical. After that was over. I was swaying and deep in mixing of adrenaline and endorphins. She grabbed me and hold me my arm. That’s is where it start. She wrapped a blanket around me. She guided me to a couch and let me slept on her. That is my relief I need. The right kind of relief for me. Someone who is loving, understanding and accepts me for who I am. She also was willing to give me pain and the biggest of all…. be there for me when I fell apart. She holds me and told me how wonderful I am. I experience so many new things with her and many new friends from that world.

I thought today and many time before for a month now. How thankful that I didn’t make rush move and wait to feel that relief. I think it has been years I wait for that moments. Years and I finally have it.

If anyone of you thinks you will never get that. Well, I didn’t either! I swear to God that I believed I would not get that or even dating someone or even be loved by someone else. I thought I knew that I would not get that kind of relief or love because I thought no one wants that kind of person I am. A different but yet broken person, who want to deal with that?  Now… I see I am very wrong. Very much wrong. Someone did and deal with it. But then, I thought they would not give me what I need. They were trying to be nice… But then I am wrong again… now  I thought to myself other night, they would find me disguise and weird that they don’t want me anymore. They didn’t and still want me. She wants me. She cares for me and wants to give me what I need.

I arrived here this suicide project site and I didn’t see anyone bullshit me and my pain.  But really, I was bullshitting myself from the beginning and that I need to end the pain by commit a suicide.  So, please don’t ever bullshit yourself like I did.