I feel concerned about how unconcerned I feel about everything. I can’t act with purpose, every action is so hollow. I went on a couple dates this last week, because someone whose advice I value told me I should. It depressed the hell out of me. I feel…irrelevant, I guess? Like I’m part of some strange world where all these things are valued, these ideas, concepts, beliefs that I am orthogonal to.
The dates I went on were the first in years, ever since a bad breakup. But I just felt out of place. Maybe if we don’t form packs, our destiny is to be forgotten by the world. Our values lost over the course of time, our struggles obsolete as the face of the world changes. And maybe forming connections after our window of opportunity disappears is an impossible task, because from the point of view of fate, you’ve become meaningless–you’re forgotten.
The funny thing is that I didn’t even go out on these dates to find connections. I went because I felt I should go, and because I wanted to see how some normal people lived — what they thought about, what they gravitated toward. But I didn’t expect such a disconnect.
I don’t even know what I’m sad about. Those dates “went well”, technically. I achieved my goal, which was to interact with normal people in a successful way in a more “intimate setting”. I guess it’s just hard feeling like a monster in human skin.