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by Teresa's Child

I feel concerned about how unconcerned I feel about everything. I can’t act with purpose, every action is so hollow. I went on a couple dates this last week, because someone whose advice I value told me I should. It depressed the hell out of me. I feel…irrelevant, I guess? Like I’m part of some strange world where all these things are valued, these ideas, concepts, beliefs that I am orthogonal to.

The dates I went on were the first in years, ever since a bad breakup. But I just felt out of place. Maybe if we don’t form packs, our destiny is to be forgotten by the world. Our values lost over the course of time, our struggles obsolete as the face of the world changes. And maybe forming connections after our window of opportunity disappears is an impossible task, because from the point of view of fate, you’ve become meaningless–you’re forgotten.

The funny thing is that I didn’t even go out on these dates to find connections. I went because I felt I should go, and because I wanted to see how some normal people lived — what they thought about, what they gravitated toward. But I didn’t expect such a disconnect.

I don’t even know what I’m sad about. Those dates “went well”, technically. I achieved my goal, which was to interact with normal people in a successful way in a more “intimate setting”. I guess it’s just hard feeling like a monster in human skin.


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freeroma 4/29/2018 - 11:58 am

ok, that is *definitely* worth talking about. Props for giving it a shot, even if it left a bad feeling.

Maybe part of the reason you felt the disconnect is that.. well you aren’t exactly stereotypical, and you weren’t invested in it, which are both fine. And I might be wrong, but with the people you dated hasn’t there been a connection when you weren’t looking for one?

y’know, it’s still hard for me to reconcile the term ‘monster’ with someone who appreciates some of the things you do.

Mordred 4/29/2018 - 6:13 pm

Ha, thanks. I figured I should at least try.

I guess it’s not a disconnect on a personal level (obviously I never expected that). I just…idk I expected the realm of interests to be…similar, you know? I feel like maybe in the few years I haven’t had much social interaction, the world has changed. So yeah, in the past there have been connections, but that was a long time ago I feel.

Snoopy41 4/29/2018 - 4:39 pm

Mordred you write so beautifully, so articulately, I just can’t believe that you are the monster you feel you are.

Everything you said made perfect sense. To make connections with the world takes time, yet for those connections to break, for your involvement with people and projects to diminish, takes much less. And it’s then hard to rebuild them, even if you wanted to.

And how can one participate in planning, in making goals, when one can’t see beyond the next few months? When nothing has any purpose?

I have felt some of what you describe very recently. Going to dinner with family friends and observing them. How is it that they don’t see straight through me (like some sort of fraud) and see that something is so very different to what they are expecting? So very (as they would see it) ‘wrong’?

Mordred 4/29/2018 - 6:15 pm

Thank you for the compliment!

I often think maybe people see what they want to believe. People want to believe the act, so it doesn’t really take much to convince them. You know what I mean?

laelaps 4/29/2018 - 8:58 pm

You gave me some words on one of my posts and so I wanted to do the same because I enjoy your words- ha! I don’t think I said words enough. Any who, I really have no clue what to say other then I simply wanted to interact with you. I apologize for your feelings of nothingness but umm something that gets me through the day is this pardox and it goes “I am nothing”. I laugh at this and love it because by being something one is not being nothing therefore being nothing is impossible. This motivates me for some odd reason and I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with you and all that jazz. But! I ought to stop rambling now and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day/life.

Mordred 4/30/2018 - 1:52 am

No worries, word is a good word to say :). Thank you for wanting to interact with me — I really appreciate the thought. And of course, feel free to drop by in any of my posts, even if you have nothing concrete you want to say. It’s nice for me to share my feelings and interact with others on here.

I used to do the “I am nothing” thing too, before. There’s this prayer I was taught a long time ago, where you essentially call yourself all these names. Like, “I am nothing, I have no family, no friends, no blah blah blah.” And when I’d repeat that to myself, I’d feel more thankful because as I was saying those words I’d realize how much I actually did have, even if before I was feeling petty and dissatisfied. You know what I mean?

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