Hey everyone.
I just want to start off by saying how glad I am this website exists. I’ve only been here for a couple of days, but reading through the comments some of you have left on other people’s posts, you all seem pretty decent.
Which is why I am posting this here. Because I hate bottling this up, and you all know what it’s like. So…
I’ve always had suicidal thoughts floating around in my head going way back to when I was about 16.They were never more than idle ideas, never more than me just wondering about it. I was never seriously depressed or anything. These days, the idea of suicide has become a lot more pressing. It’s nearly a constant thought running through my mind. This year has been a complete s**t-show for me, and between one thing and another, I just don’t know if I have a way out.
I’m studying for a PhD, but between everything that’s been going on in my life, I really don’t want to do it anymore. I’m burned out. I’m tired and super-stressed and I don’t want to do this stupid PhD anymore.
But I don’t have anything else to offer. I’ve spent years in college training myself to get to here. If I drop out of this, I don’t think I’ll ever get into academia ever again. Outside of academic work, I have little to nothing to offer any “real-world” job. I don’t want to end up unemployed because that’d make me feel even worse than I already do.
On top of this, my family is dead-set against me leaving the PhD. They want me to stick it out to the bitter end, but I don’t know how much sticking power is left in me. If I snap and decide to leave without their backing, then I don’t want to imagine how they’ll respond. My mother has already stated that she’d disown me if I did leave. I’d be a complete and utter failure to them.
I can’t stay, I can’t go. It feels like I don’t have any way out. I feel like I’m caught in checkmate and every available path is blocked off, except to just bow out.
I don’t want to bow out. But I want what I have less and less every morning. I’m afraid of what I’d do if I got to the point where I just snap. I mean, I have things planned out. I know I’d do at least one of three things to end it.
I don’t want to do it, but the idea just keeps getting heavier.
9 comments
Woah, this was longer than I thought it’d be. Sorry, I hope it isn’t too boring to read!
Not boring at all, Brother.
When reading the pressures you have surrounding you to get this PhD I can’t help but wonder -where is your family’s head?
How much more schooling do you have before you achieve your PhD?
Perhaps, taking a break from school to recharge your energy may be what the doctor’s ordered? 😉 pardon my silliness, I have a terrible sense of humour.
Take some time to discover your desires in life. As for your Mom stating she would disown you, that’s awful and I’m sorry for that. If you decide not to get your PhD you have an entire site of loving people here who will be like family to lend an ear, a shoulder, a laugh, you name it. 🙂
Discover who you are, brother. *hugs*
Thanks Sleepless ^^
In many ways,I get my family on this: they’re very driven to succeed and they’d like to see me get my degree and a decent job with some Uni or research group. They say that I could pull through it (and to be fair,in the past I have), but I’m not in the right headspace for any of it.
Taking a break from it crossed my mind, but based on how the program is organised I don’t think it’s possible. It’d be better for my supervisor to get another student (or trained Postdoc) to complete it instead of having me defer.
I mean, looking at it on the good days, maybe I could make it all work. It’s just those good days aren’t frequent, and the bad days are getting dangerous. Either way, It’s nice to know that there’s a community here that I can be open with. You guys get it.
Whatever will be will be
Take, the good the bad just breathe
Que sera sera
Have you spoken with your supervisor about feeling overwhelmed and whether a break to recharge is an option? May be worth asking to see what your options are.
I hope you find a solution that will take some weight off your shoulders.. And of course, there is the SP community to vent with 🙂
Yeah, I mentioned being overwhelmed to my supervisor about a month and a half back. According to him, being overwhelmed is par for the course (so at least I’m not alone in that!). But yeah, I might go back and ask him about being able to take time off, or if it’d be possible to downgrade from this to a Masters instead.
Hopefully a Masters will relieve some pressure.