Getting it off my chest

  April 9th, 2018 by Brother Blue

Hey everyone.

I just want to start off by saying how glad I am this website exists. I’ve only been here for a couple of days, but reading through the comments some of you have left on other people’s posts, you all seem pretty decent.

Which is why I am posting this here. Because I hate bottling this up, and you all know what it’s like. So…

I’ve always had suicidal thoughts floating around in my head going way back to when I was about 16.They were never more than idle ideas, never more than me just wondering about it. I was never seriously depressed or anything. These days, the idea of suicide has become a lot more pressing. It’s nearly a constant thought running through my mind. This year has been a complete s**t-show for me, and between one thing and another, I just don’t know if I have a way out.

I’m studying for a PhD, but between everything that’s been going on in my life, I really don’t want to do it anymore. I’m burned out. I’m tired and super-stressed and I don’t want to do this stupid PhD anymore.

But I don’t have anything else to offer. I’ve spent years in college training myself to get to here. If I drop out of this, I don’t think I’ll ever get into academia ever again. Outside of academic work, I have little to nothing to offer any “real-world” job. I don’t want to end up unemployed because that’d make me feel even worse than I already do.

On top of this, my family is dead-set against me leaving the PhD. They want me to stick it out to the bitter end, but I don’t know how much sticking power is left in me. If I snap and decide to leave without their backing, then I don’t want to imagine how they’ll respond. My mother has already stated that she’d disown me if I did leave. I’d be a complete and utter failure to them.

I can’t stay, I can’t go. It feels like I don’t have any way out. I feel like I’m caught in checkmate and every available path is blocked off, except to just bow out.

I don’t want to bow out. But I want what I have less and less every morning. I’m afraid of what I’d do if I got to the point where I just snap. I mean, I have things planned out. I know I’d do at least one of three things to end it.

I don’t want to do it, but the idea just keeps getting heavier.

Processing your request, Please wait....