How do you make a major change…

  April 1st, 2018 by dividebyzero

…if you’re basically paralyzed by fear, you know almost no one will understand/support you, and you’re not really sure where you want to end up?

A lot of people would probably think that where I am now in my life is where I want to be, even where I should want to be. I’m working in the same field I got my college degree in. (I realized at the beginning of my senior year that I chose the wrong major, but, too late.) I make good money. But whenever I’m in the office I can feel the tension throughout my whole body, the frequent cravings for unhealthy snacks to take the edge off. After work I’m usually so mentally drained from 8-10 hours of pretending to care as much as the technophiles I work with, that I have little energy to do anything enjoyable. I am terrible at/terrified of relationships as well, so both my career and personal life are pretty much going nowhere and have been for a couple of years.

Practically speaking, there’s no reason I couldn’t just quit tomorrow. I have savings, I don’t have a spouse or kids. I do, however, have an overwhelming fear of change and uncertainty that has haunted me for forever — part of whatever mental disorder I have. My parents would freak. Some of my friends might understand. But the area I’m living in is so expensive that if I stuck around I would start bleeding cash. If I move, I’ll be completely alone while I try to figure my life out.

And then there’s the fact that I only have a very vague idea of what I might actually want to do. I spent so much of my childhood trying to fulfill others’ expectations that I never stopped to decide what I actually wanted. I’m still in the fog as far as that goes — which feeds right back into the fear of uncertainty. The devil you know can be quite comfortable.

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