Ive lost all hope in life getting better

I cant seem to stay happy. Ive roamed here often just reading for years. This is my first time posting. Ive suffered from depression since as long as i can remember. I was medicated for it at 13 and was taken to therapy. I hated therapy it didnt help and the meds made me feel worse.

I have been sexually abused. Physically abused by family and partners. My life feels like it isnt worth living anymore. I put put such a great facade not many people know im suffering.

I feel my remaining sanity is trickling away. I hallucinate all the time. Find myself talking to idk who. Laugh when i cry. And the sort.

I always feel alone even when surrounded by others. I feel as if no one will ever understand me or love me for who i am.