My life has underwent so many changes so fast. Yet, some things remained the same.
I still remember how low I was when I first came to this site. There were a lot of ups and downs. Back then I was struggling with my depression, feeling lost and alone. I am now getting married. It’s so hard to believe that despite everything that happened, no matter how many years pass, I still am unable to totally lift myself up from this state.
It feels as if I’ve become someone totally different, yet totally the same. It’s just, all these months of bliss came crashing down all at once. I’ve lost the feeling of bliss, as if a cloud has been poured over me, and everything which had once been vibrant and full of life has now become dull and gray.
The thing is, I am unable to show myself as anything but happy. How everyone is so happy all around me – they keep telling me I’m glowing, how excited they are for me, and yet not one of them knows exactly just how lost I’ve been feeling all this time.
I can’t even tell my fiancé this. He used to suffer depression, and I understand his reasons. But he cannot understand mine. Or rather, he knows the feeling, but he doesn’t understand why I can’t do what he did – to not to think about it, to work to be happy. He tells me, if I’m depressed, he gets depressed. And it feels like, I can’t be anything but happy when I’m with him. It feels like, I can’t even let myself be vulnerable for once, because I have to lift him up. It feels like I always have to be the better one. And it’s just, I’m so tired. Why can’t I be tired? Why can’t I just be exhausted? Why does he have to follow me in my depression? Can I not feel?
I don’t even understand anymore why I feel unhappy, why I feel so lost. But the worst feeling is knowing you can’t even go to the one person you thought would be able to support you when you are so down.