I am currently 20, i am going to start just before my life spiraled out of control.
I was 14 in 8th grade. On Christmas day my grandfather went into surgery for his arteries. At the time being naive i thought everything was going to be ok. I was assured it was fine. I walked with my grandfather into the lobby to meet the surgeons at the time i towered over them. He askee me should anything happen to keep everyone together. Then the surgeons came They introduced themselves and i was introduced as my grandfathers bodyguard. I shook the hands of the doctors as they had a big smile on their face. And we continued to prepare for his surgery we were informed he had a 20% living rate.
He went back for his surgery and it was a success… But they didn’t reinforce the other artery besides their entry point which busted leading to him bleeding out but rather then being expelled it went and filled his stomach up like a balloon doctors were golfing and 70,000 usd worth of blood was pumped into him as he bleed out for 16 hours when the doctors tried to stop the bleeding and locate it by opening the stomach which busted open covering the operating room in blood.
They stopped the bleeding but for two weeks he was in absolute pain as his organs was exposed. He was given pain meds that he was allergic to causing his skin to be red and scaly he would drift in and out of the cload it paralyzed him from the waste down according to doctors and he was also supposedly brain dead but we were fed false hope. Only once during that first month did he gain consciousness and which he asked organs exposed “what happened? where am i? What went wrong?” and before an answer was had he drifted into the cloud. My grandfather who raised me suffered tremendously while in tje multimillion dollar hospital and then in the 2nd month he was transfered accross state lines to a facility by ambulance and we found at after the ems ran out fast why we beat the ambulance they had ripped his pickline out of vein and left him bleeding with only a single cloth on his wound the doctors in this new place believed in herbs and stopped his bleeding immediate.
Sometime during the second month he came out the cloud again saying ” buck, help me i want to go home. Help me up to walk” he didn’t no he was paralyzed his foot was black with tears in his eyes he grabbed me begging for help yet i could not help.
He went back into the cloud and at the 3rd month he came out for one last sentence “hey buck i didn’t see you standing there.” later that month after 14 surgery in 2 weeks the pain and suffering he endeared it became clear it was selfish to force him to live. I like most of the family gave him permission to die. That he suffered enough and he can leave now. The next day he died. All organs but three started shutting down his bad heart and lungs kept going.
I had mourned nor had i showed any emotion as a guy whom gave his word i had a duty to fulfill it.
I went into a daze many may call it denial. I stared at the wall for ours stuck in my own head. At 16 it hit me after 2 years.
I slipped into a deep depression i refused to socialize i lost my mind. I refused t. Sleeo as i was plagued by reoccuring lucid nightmares. That was inescapable and painful. I refused to speak with anyone. I was in my own personal hell. I then became a highschooler in my 2nd year it hit. At that time my grades slipped i started cutting with pocket knives. My close darkened my smile erased. Even though i went through the grief i suppressed the emotions. As i didn’t want to burden others with my pain Then there was this transfer girl named summer. We had a lot in common and at the time i was one of those hopeless romantics giving black roses and writing love poetry. She eventually started dating me my first gf i was inexperienced my heart exploded just being beside her.
She made me promise to show my emotions and so the flood gates opened.then she found out about my cutting it had became addictive she made me pronise to stop and as a token of my word i was to bring my knife and throw it away in front of her. I did.. She then out of the blue started acting weird and wouldn’t even hug me. She broke up with me in a text she left me for one of my best friends at the time.
That made me snap i got tired of life and a snow hit that night. I started to drink and decided to die i attempted my first Try i took 36 pills and slowly slipped out of consciousness. There was a very religious thing that happened but i cannot say right here. I had a new outlook on life but then only a week after i had been given a choice admit myself into a mental hospital or be put there by force by my family. I was 16 i knew there was no choice i went along. Given a number i was diagnosed mentally defective with ptsd, severe depression, severe general anxiety, psychosis, and bi polar type 2.
The pilled me up with many meds which mafe me feel that i had even failed at dying causing my second attempt exact 1 year later to the day. I tried blowing my brains out but didn’t have the nerve and missed my head entirely. Same trip more meds. A couple gfs and break ups later i met this girl named jess which at first i had no attachment to but she had a attachment to me for some reason for a year i would see her once a week because i was forced to drop out of highschool. I didn’t socialize afterwards. She was a bit on the risky side wanting sex i was 18 but i desired something deeper but as i am a man after about a month of abstinence i broke. It wasn’t pleasant for me but it made her happy so i was useful. After about a year i became increasingly depressed and attempted my last suicide attempt. I took antidepressants to die which was ironic it was unpumpable. According to my family i stumbled in like a zombie figuring i was just tired they fell back asleep after i crashed on the couch they woke up to me sitting straight up. Then standing and laying back down and then suddenly i started vomiting on the floor and i stopped only to get a box to vomit into. I started going into seizes and became aggressive almost animistic but when they stated who they were i calmed. The paramedics arrive two scrawning looking men brought in a stretcher and tried grabbing me i lunged at them it took 3 peeople to binf me and wheel me out of the house in the ambulance i fought clawing and biting like an animal. When i was being removed it took 5 people to hold me down and bind me in a hospital bed. I was sent to icu my heart beating to the point it was going to go out. No medical treatment could be done. I had to live on my own which was unfortunate i woke up 24 hours later with a catheter. Naked as they couldn’t gown me. And had destroyed my clothing. I asked to have the catheter removed i was told by a nurse who looked like she absolute dispised me. That i was to get up and walk on my own to the toilet to keep it out. I wasn’t given a gown and to this day it was the hardest thing i ever did. My bed felt half dead i could bearly move my legs but i pushed forward because i hated the catheter. I put one foot in front of me and i made it in 20 minutes which was a struggle as i wasn’t allowed to fall. I was about to do my business when i notice the nurse just staring at me naked i asked her to please leave she asked if i was shy i replied i prefer privacy. And she finally closed the curtain. I was told to sleep and a miracle occured i was not admitted to a mental hospital and i was released.
My gf at the time was not pleased but she kept with me but started lying to me so i had to leave. I loved her it hurt.
She begged me back and everything was fine for a while when my mom went psychotic and started screaming in my face for an hour and half Threating and destroyed all of my food causing me to snap and blackout i was sent to jail. I wasn’t fed for 6 days in a cell as inmate 12 in area 12. I had many rights broken. But my one thought was my gf. I got out and my first call was to her. She was cheating on me told me she was done with me and belittled me.
I dabbled into some substances that night i decided i had things to do and it wasn’t the time to Grieve. I fought my charged with my incompetent lawyer and had my charges legally dismissed in exchange for paying the court.
I cured my anxiety and most of my depression afterwards. but I retained my social style which is basically isolationist except for internet occasionally.
My question is how many get lost in deep thought and only stay up at night?
4 comments
Sorry about what they did to your grandfather.
You can’t really change the past, i told this story for those thinking about making that decision to either rethink it or don’t go in unprepared without being committed.
So do you have a answer to the question at the bottom?
Well if one thing makes me not want to fail an attempt is your story. You have it so, so bad. I’ve wanted to end my life since a child and I’m an adult now. Seems I have no choice.. HAHAHA, well off to daydream about a successful attempt.
I enjoyed your post. I mean, it was grisly, but it sure wasn’t boring. I feel like you could probably do quite well for yourself, because you seem to have a mind of your own and people skills (several relationships). I mean, I would like to be more like that.
I wouldn’t say I think deeply – but I am prone to rumination, probably because I spend a lot of time alone and am interested in many different subjects. When I stay up late, it’s usually a result of poor self-discipline, and I’ll be doing something unproductive online. I definitely prefer getting a good nights’ sleep – I feels so much better the next day. But sometimes I just feel like I “deserve” to stay up late consuming whatever entertainment catches my fancy.