Twice. The number of times I have tried to end everything, the pain always gets to me. I am a pretty weak person to the point it’s laughable, ironically I am told I am a confident person who is always the light of the room. The funny thing is sometimes even I feel like I am on top of the world and nothing can hurt me, then reality comes back. Two attempts is still not enough it seems, I hear all these stories of people who realise that their life is fixable when on the brink of death. Why hasn’t it happened to me ? makes me feel defective in a why, like I don’t work. I keep thinking back to how I felt after realising I didn’t die, it just made me feel worthless. I can’t even kill myself ? what can I even do at this point ? One more time is all it will take but when I do it is another question, maybe soon.
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2 comments
Funny to say but when I attempted i realized my life was unfixable and it still is unfixable after a failed attempt.
I knew how to fix it before but now I realize after years of being told I can’t that I really can’t fix it and there’s nothing that could make me want to not end my life.
You said “and then reality comes back” but maybe it’s the other way around, and your on top of the world feeling is the actual reality, and then whatever hits you is just the temporary thing. You always gotta remind yourself that the down swings are temporary and it doesn’t mean “okay apparently my happiness/confidence was fake” that sadness is the one trying to decieve you. just ride out the storm and know that soon you’ll be back to yourself again.