At a point in my life, I made the mistake of analyzing the bodies of other women around me. I looked at my sister and went through her clothes, wondering why I wasn’t as small and fit as she was. Then one day a thought was planted into my mind by a simple sentence my bigger sister said to me.
“I’m not going to eat for three days.”
I didn’t know that this thought would impact my life for years to come.
I first stood against that idea. I researched the bad things that come with not eating. It disturbed me. But with my mind in a place where it didn’t like what the mirror was showing, I conjured up some plans. I looked to a more healthy way of becoming much smaller but those never seem to work. I would always fail. Junk food always seemed to find its way into my hands. I started becoming angry at myself. Why could I never follow through? Why couldn’t I just lose the weight?
A few years pass and I was running out of hope. I was desperate. I was dating and I had finally gotten to middle school. I wanted to appeal to people but I also couldn’t stand the way I looked. Then that sentence that my sister had said to me before came and latched itself onto me. It couldn’t hurt to try, right? I was out of options, anyways! I even promised myself that I wouldn’t let it go too far.
So I did try.
And I liked the fast results it showed.
I didn’t stop. I challenged myself to more hours of starving. I made it a habit to look at the back of a package of food and drinks. I searched for people like me. I saw what they do to achieve they’re perfect bodies. I always looked into the mirror and was angry at the how the progress wasn’t showing as much, even reversing sometimes. I was disgusted. I couldn’t even bear to look at myself anymore without wanting to tear myself apart. I made the mistake of buying my very own scale. I was obsessed with the process of stripping down and stepping up onto it. Seeing the number decrease was like a drug.
I fell out of these deathly habits, however. Not completely, but it didn’t run my life like it did before. There was always a faint voice in my head telling me that I need to go back, that I need to lose it all again. Lose the weight. I was able to disregard it.
It’s growing stronger.
It hungers for…hunger.