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[TW] Take a Look Inside of My Eating Disorder

by Koda

At a point in my life, I made the mistake of analyzing the bodies of other women around me. I looked at my sister and went through her clothes, wondering why I wasn’t as small and fit as she was. Then one day a thought was planted into my mind by a simple sentence my bigger sister said to me.

“I’m not going to eat for three days.”

I didn’t know that this thought would impact my life for years to come.

I first stood against that idea. I researched the bad things that come with not eating. It disturbed me. But with my mind in a place where it didn’t like what the mirror was showing, I conjured up some plans. I looked to a more healthy way of becoming much smaller but those never seem to work. I would always fail. Junk food always seemed to find its way into my hands. I started becoming angry at myself. Why could I never follow through? Why couldn’t I just lose the weight?

A few years pass and I was running out of hope. I was desperate. I was dating and I had finally gotten to middle school. I wanted to appeal to people but I also couldn’t stand the way I looked. Then that sentence that my sister had said to me before came and latched itself onto me. It couldn’t hurt to try, right? I was out of options, anyways! I even promised myself that I wouldn’t let it go too far.

So I did try.

And I liked the fast results it showed.

I didn’t stop. I challenged myself to more hours of starving. I made it a habit to look at the back of a package of food and drinks. I searched for people like me. I saw what they do to achieve they’re perfect bodies. I always looked into the mirror and was angry at the how the progress wasn’t showing as much, even reversing sometimes. I was disgusted. I couldn’t even bear to look at myself anymore without wanting to tear myself apart. I made the mistake of buying my very own scale. I was obsessed with the process of stripping down and stepping up onto it. Seeing the number decrease was like a drug.

I fell out of these deathly habits, however. Not completely, but it didn’t run my life like it did before. There was always a faint voice in my head telling me that I need to go back, that I need to lose it all again. Lose the weight. I was able to disregard it.

But now?

It’s growing stronger.

It hungers for…hunger.

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2 comments

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/19/2018 - 11:05 pm

hello. I wanted you to know I read this.

user354 4/20/2018 - 8:11 am

Have you sought out an eating disorder site? There’s a popular “pro anorexia” site that might help. Don’t let the term pro anorexia scare you, it just means they won’t judge your disorder and you can talk freely. 99% of the people realize how messed up it is and are trying to heal. Anyways I won’t give the link because it might be considered detrimental, but you can google it easily. tbh I don’t think it helped me except to realize there are others. That’s a starting point.

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