I just can’t take it anymore. All of my thoughts are wrapped around self destruction. Somehow acquiring a fatal dose of heroin or fentanyl (probably the least likely but sounds the most peaceful…), hanging my self in the attic with one of the girls’ leashes, or blowing my head off with a shotgun that I have yet to acquire. I just don’t want to live any more. I don’t want to exist. I dont want to do the day to day grind. I HATE LIFE. I didn’t ask to fucking be born. I have felt like this for 26 years. I dont belong here. I’m an empty shell. So much bitterness for this fucked up world. I’m just done. Why did I have to awake this morning or any morning for that matter? I awake angry and instantly the thoughts return with ways to totally annihilate anything I ever was. I’ve looked up some local gun shops. Why do i care if I’m an eyesore when they find me? Why do I care?? Leads me down to the OD route. And if I go that route..please know it would be my first and only time using hard drugs. I would take enough to ensure it did the trick. So no…not an addict. Again not sure why I care. But I guess for the livings’ reputation. Hanging can take too long. So now I need to learn to acquire hard drugs. There’s enough OD deaths around here that it shouldn’t be a problem.
Trigger warning im not doing well
But it’s bad when breathing becomes a chore. Everything is a chore. And I have no interest in chores. Even the one thing I’m living for…my dogs..they have become cumbersome (dont get me wrong I will NEVER neglect them and ensure they will be accounted for)
My requests. Private funeral. No religious theme. Please bury me in a place where you can also bury dogs. If this is a pet cemetery, so be it. Please have lady buried with me when she passes. Along with my other girls when they pass. You can use my retirement money for this. Cremate us if you must.
Please know that I love you. But fighting to live every day is so fucking exhausting. I don’t know how much more fight I have in me. Why should life be a battle? In every which way. Why can’t my education and experience be good enough? Why must life be a constant internal painful battle? Why should I have to endure constant sound in my fucking ear and intolerance to all sounds and things and people around me? The headaches. The thumping. The popping and squeaking and rustling. The mistakes. The failures. The mistreatments and neglects. I shouldn’t have been born!!JUST MAKE IT ALL STOP!!
Hopefully by the time you are reading this I am gone and finally at peace. I love you daddy! Just know I needed this. I was selfless for far too long and now it’s your turn.
2 comments
So I don’t know what you going through(nor can I probably relate because I’m just a 15 year old guy) but one thing that I can say is I can tell your going through a lot of pain but dont do it. I’m not gonna give you some bullshit saying “like everything will be ok” etc because honestly it probably wont, life is a ***** but you have to find at least 1 reason to stay, even if its just your dogs, you never know maybe you decide to stay around until your dogs pass and during that time stuff gets better, I’m not saying theres an 100% chance things will get better but you’ll never know if you take your own life.
hey, I’m sorry for all of your pain.
hope you’re doing a bit better now.
just wanted to say that some of what you said really resonated with me–especially not being able to handle other people.
and distress about being born
I understand it all
but please don’t abandon your puppies! they would miss you so much if you were gone.