I wish you’d let me go. It’s been so long since I’ve wanted to live — I’m stuck here, due to obligations. Obligation after obligation after obligation. Obligations to dead people. Obligations to living people. To family, to would-be-family, even to pets. And of course, my obligation to you. That’s probably the biggest obligation of them all.
If you’re a thought in my mind, and nothing more, then I wish I could see you as more lenient. I wish it was easy. I wish you told me what to do, so that my decisions would not be mine, and mine alone — so that I could bear the consequences, and say “oh, it was fate”, or that I simply moved according to your will, and things just fell into place, good or bad.
But what do I get instead? For all my troubles, all I have is an untouchable ideal version of myself which I’m almost cursed never to attain. The battle between good and evil in my heart is over — at least, the battle of wills. I used to not know what I wanted to be, but for a while now I’ve wanted to be good. I’ve chosen to uphold your values. But what do I do if the remnants of my own darkness remain in my heart? How can I be close to you if I am overflowing with fear, and hatred?
Yesterday I phoned a friend. She reminded me of the past. Of the feelings I felt the first time I fell in love. Of the times P and I sat together on top of her trailer under dark night skies, and cried. I thought a bit, after that phone call, and went through the changes in my life all over again, searching. I was searching for the place I went wrong, but it was wrong from the beginning. So I searched again for all the ways I tried to fix it, and I realized that it was only recently that I even acknowledged you. A couple years, maybe. But before then, it was only strength in mind and body, and acquiring skills — those were the only things I believed in.
So perhaps it was obstinacy. Wrong choices and beliefs on top of an amoral heart, catapulting me toward more and more pain. I used to grit my teeth and say that I’d always believe in all the things that I stood by before. Perhaps it was that phrase that kept me bound to…all the thoughts that flitted through my teenage brain for so long.
When I was alone I would whisper to the darkness in my heart. No one knew, but it took a face and form. I would dream of demons with my face. Always, there would be this fire inside me, this painful, raw, blazing fire. I could not sit still. I used evil emotions for my own benefit. I used my anger to win fights. I used my hatred to one-up others in life situations. I let me fear and pride drive me to greater heights, burning anything I touched along the way.
And all this I did — all this I became, because “if you are not strong, you will not be able to change anything”. That was the phrase, the belief. The reason why I let my feet walk down this path. P died. To me, that was the ultimate validation that there was no God. That I was right. That Death was all, and that I could do what I wanted and be the monster inside me. Not a stupid monster that got caught by the system and law, something that was far more powerful then me, but I could be a smart monster, too clever to be caught. I could hide myself until the moment was right, the venue was right, and then have my blood.
For a few years, things have been different. I’ve been trying to be different. I’ve found you. I’ve been trying to follow your way. But even if I change my beliefs, and change my ways, I can’t change 20 years of hatred and anger thrown upon my soul. I’ve poisoned myself for so long that this dark heart of mine cannot see the world differently. Nothing feels real. Nothing feels important. Without the monster in my bones, I just feel apathy towards everything — people, kind acts, evil acts…nothing is real to me.
My mind is stuck in the past, when I was alive, when I was using all my power to further my own position in every way. You need to be the monster in my bones. I need you to replace that evil fire, or else my story will probably end here.
— Diem S. Sky