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a normal life

by miszion

I wonder what it would be like to have a normal, happy life. I wonder what it would’ve been like, as child and teenager, to wake up in a clean home with amenities and loving parents. I wonder what finishing high school would’ve been like, and starting college that same year like so many people normally do. I wonder what it would be like to see the word “Mom” on my phone screen, maybe with a heart emoji next to it, calling me just to ask how I’m doing.

I often think about what my life would be like if he never died. Just typing that sentence makes my heart sink into my chest as I remind myself that I may never be loved again. I feel like I am idly wasting time until I die. I miss him so much. I feel like the whole world misses him so much but only so few of us knew him.

what is it like to rarely feel insecure, lonely, misunderstood, and angry and sad for no reason? what is it like to wake up and look forward to the day? what is it like to not have scars on your arms and legs that people stare at and judge you for?

I have never had a normal life. I’ve always been poor, depressed, insecure. I have an estranged mother who doubles as bipolar and also an addict. My father is rarely around and is as responsible as a 6 year old. My mother beat us and isolated us as children, abandoning my older brother and I at 13 to sit in bars and sleep at strange men’s houses rather than raise us. I am so co dependent even though most nights I’d rather be left alone. I’m not sure if I’ll ever truly heal from my childhood.

Maybe my next life will be a normal life. Maybe I won’t spend my life wishing for it.

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4 comments

Cause of Death: Suicide 5/7/2018 - 11:49 am

The past doesn’t matter. You are in control of your future. Fix it or you will always be stuck in a terrible life.

miszion 5/9/2018 - 1:18 am

you must be truly daft to believe the past does not matter. the past and past experiences can and do define you as a person. if my mother didn’t beat me into unconsciousness I wouldn’t have developed a needy habit for toxic people. if I would’ve finished high school I would’ve already been done with college. the past does matter, i fact it matters a LOT. sure, you learn from your past and it makes you stronger, but for that to happen you must digest it. you must accept it. I know these things I just haven’t quite figured out how to move on completely just yet. I am trying to “fix it,” I’ve been doing just that from a very young age. but unfortunately, it’s a long, rough road.

negar 5/7/2018 - 12:28 pm

hi
you know I can’t say that I can completely understand you but I can say that somehow I know what you say because I have had same expiriences , you know you can’t deny your past and you may never really overcome your bad feelings but bad feelings are not always bad , they help us to see aspects that others caan’t , they help us to understand things that others can’t .we can’t change our parents but we can learn from them to prevent their mistakes , we can’t say we can do something to make the world free of bad people or we can make it free of people who revenge because of that bad people but we can try not to be one of that bad people and we can try to help those who revenges because we understand them and someone like you just can understand what being understood is and how worthy it is .I know how hard it is but I’m sure you will be great and I know you are great because you know things others don’t and because you are a good person though your condition is not good.

miszion 5/9/2018 - 1:20 am

thank you. I really do appreciate your kind words. I know I’m a good person, it’s just that there are a lot of set backs in my life that make me doubt my actual worth and if I’ll ever find peace. I do appreciate your time though. thank you.

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