I wonder what it would be like to have a normal, happy life. I wonder what it would’ve been like, as child and teenager, to wake up in a clean home with amenities and loving parents. I wonder what finishing high school would’ve been like, and starting college that same year like so many people normally do. I wonder what it would be like to see the word “Mom” on my phone screen, maybe with a heart emoji next to it, calling me just to ask how I’m doing.
I often think about what my life would be like if he never died. Just typing that sentence makes my heart sink into my chest as I remind myself that I may never be loved again. I feel like I am idly wasting time until I die. I miss him so much. I feel like the whole world misses him so much but only so few of us knew him.
what is it like to rarely feel insecure, lonely, misunderstood, and angry and sad for no reason? what is it like to wake up and look forward to the day? what is it like to not have scars on your arms and legs that people stare at and judge you for?
I have never had a normal life. I’ve always been poor, depressed, insecure. I have an estranged mother who doubles as bipolar and also an addict. My father is rarely around and is as responsible as a 6 year old. My mother beat us and isolated us as children, abandoning my older brother and I at 13 to sit in bars and sleep at strange men’s houses rather than raise us. I am so co dependent even though most nights I’d rather be left alone. I’m not sure if I’ll ever truly heal from my childhood.
Maybe my next life will be a normal life. Maybe I won’t spend my life wishing for it.