M/30 and not native English speaker.
It’s not like i can talk with other people about this stuff. I know this site since last time. Did the same last time. Just posted. I think it’s 4 years ago now. It must have been in 2014. The rope broke, I woke up on the floor and I’m still here. I turned 30 in January. That was scary. I’m an adult now. That means it’s 11 years since I got ill. 11 years since my journey away from my problems started. Now I’m sitting here in an other country a hell lot of kilometers away from ‘home’. It’s not changing, my head keeps finding new depressive subjects witch I can think about all my hours awake. The last week was especially hard. I miss someone I’ve almost forgotten. I once had what I needed but I didn’t realize it until now. That hurts. My search for happiness has to come to an end. It won’t change. I just keep involving more people in my life. It’s a bad thing. I just do it. I’ve just bought the plane tickets. In 1 week I’ll go ‘home’ and stay there for 2 weeks. I need to see my old friends and my dad a last time. I’m still scared but not as much as earlier. I I’m almost certain that reincarnation is real. I don’t believe in punishment. It’s just like a video game. I chose the wrong player and will restart the game with a character with better stats. It’s okay. I will definitely choose an easier difficulty next time, if I’m allowed to. I’ve learnt a lot in this life, mostly from the situations where i haven’t been good, but I try to be good. I just need a new start.
4 comments
Hey,
We have a lot of similar views. It’s hard for me to talk to people that don’t have the same mindset. They don’t get that sometimes there is no light at the end of the tunnel . If you ever want to chat let me know, it’s nice to read that someone else thinks the same.
Its really hard to put words on feelings. But off course you know that. Good the point came trough. Exactly, I’ve only involved 1 person where I live now and I keep telling him ‘I know you don’t understand it, and I am happy for you that you don’t’. It’s not a pleasure to have this broken mind.
I feel exactly like you described. More time here, more people involved, more energy wasted for nothing. The anguish is always there…death always breathing on my neck…how to ignore that?
For me it’s like a sin. Because I know i will have to go earlier than other people. To involve people when you know it won’t last can only be a sin. I feel bad for being so addicted to other people.