Can’t See Any Further

  May 2nd, 2018 by alt-tonic

hi. I’ve posted here before. I think over a year ago I believe. I ranted about losing a scholarship and disappointing my family while a divorce was still going on. And then I was diagnosed with GAD and felt like I was going crazy over stress. I got quite a few updated.

I did lose that scholarship. I’m relying on loans and Financial Aid (lucky for now). I switched to a major I’m more happy with (let’s say I made huge jumps in majors because of pressure from my dad who i no longer see anymore). My parents are still going through a divorce, although my mom still contacts my dad and she feels like he’s morally abide to help us in hard economic time. I know he doesn’t, and I know he probably won’t, and I am desperate for a job that could help even a little for my mom and I since we have to pay out of pocket for other costs like books and a meal plan. I only have previous volunteer experience. And I still don’t have a driver’s license (I know, why don’t I have one already? Father. And fees we couldn’t pay beforehand). So I’m left with the positions that are open and near bus routes or walking distance if I have to (I am a person who will push their limits till I lose everything to get to what I need).

Also the GAD, turned out it was OCD AND PTSD hidden underneath the anxiety after i went to a few sessions and my therapist told me I had a lot more going on symptoms wise than what they thought. Turns out my shit dad gave me so much physical and emotional trauma I suppressed it till I moved out and only now recalled all the shit he did to me after I was out of there. And then I formed self harm cutting habits I KNOW ARE BAD but still do to this day so I don’t actually hang myself in campus from the stress of fixing my GPA after fucking up my first semester. Thanks dad. Now I have to fix my mental health on my own. I probably need a specialist at this point? I know help is there, but I don’t want people to know I’m struggling this bad. It brings judgement and pity. And it especially ruins my family. I’ll die before I let it get to my family again. Also, I don’t even know if it’s additional costs. And insurance??? I don’t even know other than the free counseling I’ve gone to in campus. that helps at least for a little while.

I know I’m still in college, and my mom has always reminded me that it’s okay for me to not have a job because I’m the one focusing on a bachelors and eventual master’s. Taking 5 classes a semester and summer school to stay on top of my degree plan. But even after that I feel the constant pressure of I HAVE TO GET A JOB I HAVE TO BE ON MY OWN NOW OTHERWISE I’LL CONTINUE BEING A BURDEN TO MY FAMILY kind of vibe the past few weeks. I have no close friends with me. Most even online are pretty distant relationship wise. I fucked up a actual relationship because my anxiety was getting the best of me. Did I also mention I’m a trans man, who’s family is not very supportive of transitioning soon but I still put up with because I still love them more than I value my own life? Family values am I right?

So, fucked up my scholarship, fucking up my chances of getting employees, fucked mental health that can only be helped so much, fucked my love life, and my will of live is barely at 1% and I feel as though venting causally may help delay any stupid decisions I may make if I don’t calm down. I have self harmed recently. It’s never visible, I just do it as a form of self control, the only thing left that I can control in my life. And I sound pretty insane or just plain stupid from the way I’m typing I’m normally not like this. I just have no where else to turn other than posting online else where and then someone calling the cops on me and shoot me dead (a big fear of mine, I know every can be misunderstood in a situation and things can go to shit). I probably won’t do anything after I finish typing this. I’m emotionally exhausted and it’s affecting me physically too. 12 hrs of sleep every day during the day this whole week. Any tips for a trans man with a self harm issue who needs to restart his life before he ends up dead?

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