you know what? I may not be harming myself physically anymore, but emotional pain, and wounds can’t be covered up with band-aids. You try and try to pull yourself together and stop the pain. Drugs, cutting, alcohol, you can not cover up that pain, you can not stop it when it demands to be felt. Finding a way out so to speak is near impossible. The emotional storm stops sometimes and you can smell the roses. trying to tear a hole into the ground and jump, is never how it goes. The actual way out can never be easy, that’s how it should be right? Intentional or not it still hurts, the anger, the shame, the guilt, when you fall down and fade away, it is placed as your fault. The should of could of or would have, it does not matter. Pain is real, it demands to be heard, whether you like it or not. It stands on a table and yells and blurts in your face. Then the cloud comes right behind it and the rain starts falling down. Depression is your responsibility right? It is on you to find help, therapist help you once a week at 4:00p.m, they are not there when the dark becomes black and the tears set in.
Opening you emotional first aid box, and pulling out some band-aids can’t stop this bleeding. You are all alone, with it, the darkness, the pain, the loneliness, the guilt, the sadness, you have to fight this emotional demon. I hate how things feel okay, and the storm subsides only to come back bigger and badder a few days later. or even months.
Trying to cope and battle with your first aid box does not always cure the turmoil and pain. It all feels so overwhelming and scary but if you were to look at yourself in the mirror, and listen.. There is nothing happening but the internal screaming and tears, “let me out” it screams… but you splash some water on your face, smile hold back the tears, re apply your mask.