The pain, emotionally, it has this way of creeping up on you, like a dark cloud you see in a distance on a sunny warm afternoon. The way it’s presence can just be noticed and then dismissed. looks like it is going to rain later, I thought to myself and then shrug it off. You think you have control over what you are feeling. You think that you actually can see the first drop of rain before the storm. When it rains it pours and thunders. I try to cover my wounds with band-aids but the rain just washes them off. I always think about why I am still trying to keep going. I guess the right answer is for myself and to keep fighting, but I could care less. I am here on someone’s selfishness. I have very few people who I think would even give a slight f*ck about me giving up. I know I would make some people angry or hurt. I try to be here for them, make support system I have to keep my upright. I feel so spineless when I think about dying. The inner demons winning. The coward inside me that can not keep fighting anymore. Yet.. it feels so nice it feels like it would be the most peaceful thing.. I guess depending how I ended up..
Although I am not personally religious, I always wondered if I would see my dad when I died. I would give anything just to spend one hour with him, tell him I miss him.. I need some comfort. I am so lost and confused. Everything is scary and dark, and I feel like there is no way out. I have been trying to climb up that ladder into the light but I like it down here. Being sad has its own comforts but it is also nice to be happy. I go for months feeling okay, or at least okay with how things are in my life and then some months are the worst. I feel like I have nothing left, I feel lifeless and like the breath has been taking right from my mouth. I feel like I am so alone and pathetic.
I emotionally shit on myself. I let those inner demons win. I started calling my suicidal ideation/depression/anxiety my inner demons or a monster once I started self harming and my panic attacks became a regular thing. I do not think my mental illness should win, I have fought so hard to keep going and to learn to start taking care of myself. I always think that I can do this when I know I can’t. I fight for whatever it is too keep me here and I go day by day. I want to curl up in bed and sleep. My boyfriend does not understand that part of my depression. I lie in bed because it feels safe, even though it doesn’t at the same time. After the rape, being in the same bed with even my dog or yet alone by boyfriend became like the hardest thing. I wake up more tired than I did going to bed, I get most of my sleep during the afternoons/evenings when I am home alone. It somehow feels better. I always thought how it would feel too look someone I knew and tell them these things, that I was raped and how real and awful that was, how the depression and anxiety got worse. How I do not even know how I still get out of bed most days. I can think of one person who I wish I could talk to about this. The ex that brought me on this website. He broke my heart and pushed me over the edge and I will never know why he left me, but he still loves me.. we talk on and off… I still love him.. I think that perhaps it was because he was my first but then I thought perhaps it is because I think he was supposed to be my forever, and then it just wasn’t.
I miss him, a lot. He wanted me to go back to be with him and start over, and yet I crawled back to my current. I thought that being with my current would be a healthier choice, and yet.. it feels so wrong. I feel like I am settling. I almost just want to be single for a while. Be alone. I need to heal and I feel like I am not able to just being in a relationship. I want to be with someone because they are good for me. I am having the hardest time even being able to figure this all out. Why I was raped, Why I am depressed, Why I am so anxious, Why I am suicidal. There are logical answers to this but yet I feel like that answer doesn’t answer it. I need a situation in my life that is stable, I need consistency and more importantly I need to feel hope. I feel like I have left that box of hope wide open and it’s flown away. I have not seen hope in over a year. I need to feel like I am making some kind of right choices for myself. I just feel like I can’t do anything right and I hate how that feels. I hate how I always feel like I need to be in a dark place to feel okay. I guess that is the only consistent thing since I was 13… The sadness, anxiety, darkness.
if decided to read this far.. Thank you. I have been on this website for over 6 years and it still my safe place to take what I am feeling and put it out.