I have a lot of free time this summer. Since I can’t help out with the family business, because I need to “relax” and “have a life”, my few days home have been full of emptiness. I’ve got fully settled in, the new bed is comfy but I’m still not sure if I like the new layout of the house. My significant other refuses to leave her house. I wonder if she is going through similar bouts, if so it is because she hates her hometown even more so than I. I have no motivation to help.
Having struggled for the last few months through school, arriving home to where I am a “good person” and have “success” in my life makes things worse. After working to hard to achieve my academic goals, I still feel the same. After working hard to achieve my physical goals, I still feel the same. Relationship goals, both professionally and personally, I feel the same.
***
Right there, where the *** is, I had the urge to type in all-caps the degree to which I want to die. I’ve noticed recently that I have been experiencing bouts of rage that I never have before. In fact, I have never been “mad” before in my life. Preposterous as that may sound, it is something I have always prided myself on. I do think it is weird that I just randomly had rage while typing up this blog post. Anyways.
My parent’s ask “What are your plans tomorrow?” each day. Even with an invitation to a bachelor party later this week, a lover a block away, a friend just down the road who keeps asking me to hang-out, my answer is the same as it always has been. I’ve been this way my whole life. Why do my parents expect me to want to do anything? Why do other people in my life think I would do anything for them? I never have, yet not only do they persistently reach out to me they also love me. I don’t understand why people love me. No matter where I go, I end up being the leader of the group. Any given chatroom on my phone will either have me as the chat photo or in the chat name.
I guess that is me complaining. I don’t do that very much, so I apologize if that offended anybody with significantly worse circumstances than I.
I do not wish for a different life, because I would not be any more or any less happy. I do appreciate the fact that my current position makes me suffer, I guess I do not appreciate the fact that my current position is one that many others wish for. This instills a “Why me?” mentality in my life.
I don’t know what else to talk about. Thank you for reading this, if you did, and best of wishes to all of you.