I am a bad thing

  May 20th, 2018 by Triste Foi

I am a bad thing, I think I’m going crazy but I’m too afraid to talk about that to anyone. I am afraid I am going to slowly become something truly awful and dark. And I feel like part of my wanting to die is that I owe it to the world to not make them suffer if I do become something of a monster. You know how when someone gets bit by a zombie so they shoot themselves or something for the greater good of the rest of the survivors and so that they don’t become that? That’s how I feel. I have been repressed and not even in a necessarily bad way but I feel guilty about my very existence, I feel guilt for everything I do, and even the things I don’t do. This is the first time I will admit it and it’s scary but I am bisexual. Of course it is engrained into my soul that I am a fallen wretched creature. And I don’t know if it is because of this or just that I’m unlucky but I seem to be attracted to too many people, regardless of age (over 18) and gender as long as they are attractive and it is really tearing me apart. I wish I were asexual or that I was ugly and like a nun so that I would never even be bothered with the flesh but I can’t help it my thoughts are sin and it’s not even that; I feel like a undeserving beggar just for wanting to die and for sins of omission for not being my best and also for being a little vain – I feel like a deception to the world and I can’t stand to be here because the world tempts me like Satan with lust and sloth and such and I will never feel comfortable in my own skin and the world tells me I am beautiful but I am not satisfied with myself ever and I have become (secretly) chronically ill and that is affecting me as well and I am starting to be wary of people and so here I am a suspicious sad prudish perfectionist wasting away in fear and I am a curse I am a bad thing. I wish I just didn’t exist to fight this inner battle that is in my harrowed up soul.

No one would know I am this bad thing because I don’t believe other people have to follow my beliefs and I am very outwardly separated from my inner battle, and I come off very calm and cool, I’m almost thin enough and I’m “pretty” and I’m young and I’m confident and I hide so much and I know so many people I feel like I am living someone else’s life either on the inside or the outside I feel very split to the core of my being.

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