I Can’t Come Up With A Decent Title For My Feelings

I don’t know where to start. Yet there isn’t much to say.

There will be people who read this and think “Get over yourself, by the sound of it, you really are ungrateful.”

Yet everyday, and every time I cry, it’s only a matter of question,

Why?

Is this how life is for everybody else and I’m just too weak to handle it?

Am I selfish, and nasty to the people I love?

Am I a bad person, if I make somebody so disgusted with me, to the point where they can’t stand to be in the same house as me?

Are you sure their pain isn’t worse than mine?

I resist sleep because the later I stay up, the more tired  I’ll be in bed. The quicker I’ll slip into unconsciousness, a period of time where I feel the utmost dead, one where I don’t have worry about anything, I don’t even have to worry about what to worry about. My bed brings me comfort because of this.

Other things that bring me comfort. Binge watching, playing games, etc. Stupid addicting habits teenagers get. They bring me comfort because when I’m watching my favorite show, I’m no longer me. I’m not a spectator of the show. I am granted the ability to forget everybody and everything around me. Playing games, forces me to concentrate on something other than my life.

Family: The people who love an care about you.

That’s what it’s supposed to mean. For me it means, the people I love-hate. I love my mom, the one who I used to laugh and talk with, when it wasn’t awkward between us, when there weren’t past fights between us. Basically I miss my mom from when I was 4 years old. My mom now? I wish she’d be more like the 4 yr old mom, which is selfish of me I know, but the mom I have now, we can’t go a single day without speaking harsh words to each other. I regret most of them. I’m a horrible daughter and I’ve tried, over an over, so hard to respect, love, and care for her but I can’t. Because each time I try, she snaps, yells, scoffs, etc. I can’t respect her if she can’t respect me and vice versa so we’re stuck in this endless loops of distaste and annoyance.

Why

Why can’t I just be a good daughter?

Why can’t I respect and love my family members?

Why can’t I keep my mouth shut around them?

Why can’t I find happiness in activities I used to enjoy?

Why can’t I have my friend back?

Why can’t I be a good friend?

Why can’t I be good enough?

People tell me I’m skinny, too skinny. But I feel fat. No, I’m not anorexic but I stress eat constantly. I’m already disappointed with  how I look, but now I’m being disappointed with my body.

I want death, I want to die. I think about it constantly, nobody knows, but I do. Self harm isn’t enough, I want permanent damage but I don’t want my mother to blame herself. I’m not even sure if she would, but I don’t want her to. I don’t want to live, but I’m scared to die. How would I do it? Would I leave a note? Is there an afterlife? If there is an afterlife, I don’t want it, because that means I will feel guilt. Guilt for leaving my family and friends. Guilt for quitting. But if I just do it and get it over with, I won’t feel a thing. I won’t worry about anything. So why can’t I just do it? Why can’t I just get it over with?

WHY?