I wish I could just die so I won’t have to live my disaster of a life anymore. It’s just so bad in a multitude of ways. It’s so complicated and miserable and just plain sad. I know people will be hurt but they have no idea the level of hell im in. Its mostly emotional pain but today I felt like I was walking a bit hunched over and it was scary. I just feel like a cripple in a number of ways. I wish I had a surefire method or some help to kill myself.
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I feel your pain totally!!
I could say every single word you said, and it would be true.
But I will add that I been trying to tell myself not to kill myself, and sometimes I convince myself, but then another reason pops up as to why I should.
This back and forth thinking is driving me insane.
I don’t think I’m crazy for thinking about suicide. I feel that if I actually go crazy I won’t want to kill myself, but would live a worse life than death.
I hear you OP, I’ve felt that way at times also and I agree with you, some lives are too messed up to keep going. When I was younger and Christian I thought all my struggles would eventually lead to some reward after I died.
After I turned against religion in my teens, I really began to see the world as it is and how I fit into it with much greater clarity. I then realized that this wasn’t some test/challenge by God but that I was born to parents who were average, flawed, poor and selfish. Anyways I originally hated them for putting me here but in many ways, I’m glad I was around to help my family members avoid a lot of suffering.
Still, I was angry and bitter that I didn’t win the genetic lottery and didn’t get parents who were beautiful and rich. Those are two key traits I believe one needs (also good health, intelligence) to have a great life.
Despite all that I also had many great experiences which made me love life but then I suffered a lot as well. However given some incredibly difficult painful events I had, I resolved never to let myself go through more BS again.
Just as an example I took on a very difficult degree program which I thought would reward me highly in the end but it never panned out and I got stuck doing office jobs that were far below my qualifications. I could’ve taken an easier program and I would’ve been a lot happier.
I went from being a hard-working ‘go-getter’ to just wanting to give up everything. I still have one major hurdle to overcome and when I do I think my life will be much better but if things don’t improve then at some point I will stop struggling and seek a means to end my life that is safe and certain.
This world can offer incredible experiences but let’s be honest it all boils down to money. If you make a lot or enough to satisfy you, then the world is your oyster. If you’re scraping by then it just offers misery, suffering and anger that it couldn’t be a great life like it is for some people.
So it is in the cards for some lucky people and not in it for some of us who are unlucky. I will leave the table/stop playing the game (of life) if I can’t win. I will try to improve things over the next few years, if things are stable or get better, I’ll keep going if not I’ll check out as mentioned.
There have been cases where the person who took his life had plenty of money, but was going through mental pain that they were not able to deal with.
For example
Bill Zeller
Chester Bennington
Alexander Mcqueen
Just to name a few,
Although my suicidal thoughts essentially caused by money problems in a way.
@definitelyworried
Indeed people kill themselves for many reasons even if they’re rich. However, if you were mentally stable, healthy, attractive and rich on top of it what more would you want out of life? Some people try to downplay the importance of money but it is central to everything we do, at least for most people.
If you don’t have money you will suffer a lot. I don’t mean just poverty and homelessness but also being powerless, dependent on others. It makes you angry, miserable, feel trapped and other people treat you like garbage on top of it if you don’t work or have a good income.
If you get a crappy job, then you don’t make much money, work your butt off in a stressful environment. Whether people want to admit it or not, most of our problems would be eliminated if we had a lot of money. Those people who are already rich but waste their life on drugs, drinking and then commit suicide have only themselves to blame, to throw away a life that most humans on Earth dream of having.
Of course, you don’t need to make millions, a good income that allows you to afford a nice house/car/vacation every year, etc can put you in a better state of life and mind. You are still a slave to your job but it’s still preferable to being poor.
Thanks for the responses, and you guys seem so smart, capable, and like we all should not be trying to die. I’m impressed with the responses on this. Thank you guys for sharing your thoughts. They need a private messaging to this lol!