I never understood depression.
As a kid I just thought it was sadness and it is definitely a bit of that but also so much more.
As the years went by I realized that depression is so complicated.
It’s pain and pleasure, it’s hurt and comfort, it’s overwhelming and deathly, one of the best descriptions would be that it’s BITTERSWEET.
I hate the feeling it gives me yet I can’t remember a day that has gone by without it.
I don’t like hating myself but doesn’t doing so make me better?
I hate feeling useless but because of this every tiny accomplishment makes me feel better.
I hate hiding behind this twisted smile but without it I would be even more rejected.
Sometimes I want to leave this vicious cycle but I don’t know how to live without it.
I hate it so much,more than you can even imagine yet I can’t seem to let it go.
One thing I can say is that for a long time I blamed depression until I realized that without me depression can’t live
1 comment
to a small extent, self hate can make you better. if you look at what you’re doing that doesn’t align with what you believe to be right and use it as fuel to be better, sure. if you just constantly self flagellate for its own sake, not really.
i feel like depression can, in its own way, be oddly comforting. more so in that one can become comfortable in it while growing used to its ways and realizing it’s scope. and it can be hard to leave on its own, or believe it can be fully gone.