3:30am, Sunday morning, Sober, Lying in bed beside my bff (dog), he’s snoring lol.
A bit about me; I’m off my meds right now because they make me puke if I’m not using marijuana or taking more pills both of which I don’t have access to (lack of funds). In fact I kind of feel better off them, I have CTE from multiple concussions and was prescribed anti depressants. Anyways I couldn’t even ween off them cause half a pill even makes me puke so yeah. I don’t want to smoke weed and I certainly don’t wanna take more pills but the problem is I just lost my doctor and can’t different prescription so I just threw them out and went cold turkey.
alright so the reason I’m posting.
my fiancés stuff is packed in my dining room right now cause I flipped out and kicked her out after she disappeared for a week again and peaked my insecurities. She says she goes to her parents when she takes off and I believe her but I’ve been had so many times in the past that in the back of my mind she’s cheating. God damn it she’s pregnant with my baby and is having an abortion no matter what I say (we didn’t want kids, but now I might). Jesus wtf happened.
Honestly if it weren’t for this big stinky dog beside me I’d have done myself in tonight. Here’s why, this world is fuct. You want to know who’s in charge just look for the ones you can’t criticize (google my username). False flags, thought crimes, hoax after hoax, the illusion of choice, it’s all hitting me hard tonight. Been “woke” for 20 years but tonight I lost hope.
This is a rant now sheet.
Escaped eviction this month by a razor thin margin, luckily had no appetite so food wasn’t an issue lol.
been homeless not afraid of that but I have a dog and a cat I can’t live without so I gotta hold on to this place.
Fiancé has the vehicle so I’m raging with cabin fever. There is a six pack in the fridge but I’m afraid if I drink it maybe I’ll drink the allergy medicine too 😉
man I had a great job, in fact people think I’m doing great right now but I’m on the edge. I feel mood swings and twitching happening like crazy. Like zero emotion, if there was ever a time I could pull the trigger it’d be now.
thats why I had to post, tearing up a bit lol ugh
not gonna do it, not even gonna open one beer. Just gonna lay here and grind my teeth with my eyes glazed staring at the blank tv.
Honest I know I have it hella good, I got a lot of white privilege lol
hey did you know the Rothschilds made there money off cotton? Yeah turns out the slave trade was not per dominantly white. Off topic sorry.
but yeah my life isn’t over, but I don’t wanna live it.
66 comments
Anyone out there awake? Times like this make me wish I didn’t delete all my social media lol
I almost killed myself last night literally.
I’m here grinding my teeth glazing at nothing.
My life is a lot of pain right now
Hey glad you didn’t, care to discuss? Thanks for the response btw
I don’t feel like discussing, but I’m curious to know if you have ever attempted suicide or is it something that just crosses your mind every now and then.
This site saved my life when I was homeless in a tent by the river, I didn’t post then, just cried myself to sleep.
Never attempted just thought about it, like a lot.
You?
Wow becoming homeless with a felony conviction for medicaid fraud is the main reason why I want to kill myself.
But there is way more to that story, and I mean way more.
I have not been charged or anything, but I realized I accidentally didn’t report an income that I might had to report. The income is not really mine, but the checks were being writ ten in my name, from what I understand after going to welfare office and explaining to them, they said that I can still receive medicaid, because I’m not receiving those checks anymore.
So I don’t know if I commited fraud or not.
And I don’t know what to do, I spoke to 2 attourneys, they both don’t know if I did commit fraud or not either, I will be talking to a third attourney in a few weeks if I’m still alive.
I don’t know you from jack but something tells me your gonna be ok, so don’t do it. Are you homeless right now?
Damn, i have homeless tips for days if you want em. But I feel for your situation. Did you attempt anything last night?
Here is a post after my attempt. It was early in the morning I couldn’t sleep like it I can’t tonight.
https://suicideproject.org/2018/05/i-cant-help-it/#comments
I feel like I will end up doing it. I hope things get better, but I don’t see how things will get better.
I picture a scene sometimes of the csi pulling my floating body (red flowing from my wrists) from the river and how shook this small town would be that day not for the loss of me but for the water cooler rumbles and poof next day I’m forgotten, bliss, but god damn friends family and pets poop on that plan lol. Swinging from a bridge in public comes to mind too with a giant sign that says open borders and nuclear sanctions for Israel or something like that around my neck.
You think they’ll send a search squad and find you? I always picture me – a dead body no one finds…. God I hope they don’t search and find me. I hope they don’t find me. I hope they don’t find me. That is why I have to pull it off in perfect circumstances….
U going to be up? I’ll be right back like in 10 minutes.
The birds are up now here so yeah no sleep tonight lol
Ok I’ll be right back.
Look up “I can’t help it” on this site and you might find my latest post.
To many results, did you post in general? Was it last night?
Found it, read it, feel it. I basically had to quit my job cause I couldn’t fake being happy anymore and I’ve pulled back from family for the same reasons as you. Siblings got the houses cars kids and working brains makes me jealous too. And I feel your spur of the moment logic.
Smoked to packs today, grinding my teeth like I’m on coke or something, cold hot cold hot withdrawals are getting to me, may have to dig my pills outta the trash glad I didn’t flush them.
If you ever try to kill yourself you will find out that it’s not an easy thing to do. Not easy at all.
But I was really close that day.
Shouldn’t say you’ll be back in ten on a site like this then not return :/ @definitelyworried
Oops disregard that last post lol
My childhood BFFs dad (one of the toughest guys ever) hung him self. He drank a half a Texas micky first to be able to so yeah the human survival instinct is strong. I know the easy way just don’t wanna say it here but you go in your sleep…
Tell me what it is, u don’t have to go in to deatail,
Pills, gas asphyxiation, I still think partial suspension hanging is the way I would do it.
How old was he?
In his 50’s maybe I can’t remember. And it involves plastic zip ties and pills super easy calm and relaxing plus no turning back if you fall asleep.
Do u know why he did it?
Do you believe there is an afterlife?
You?
I don’t know, sometimes I do and sometimes I dont.
I’m pretty mixed up about it.
I used to strongly beleive that I was going to heaven, but after reading the bible, I don’t think many are going to heaven, including myself. But then again I started doubting a lot about the bible and cause of that I started doubting everything I beleived about God.
There has been times when I don’t beleive in God.
But I’m all mixed up about that too.
If you ever need a hand believing in god, just think about all the satanist in the world. If they believe in him enough to sacrifice children then you better believe I trust in a god. Now Jesus is another story and the only part of the bible I believe is genisis and not literally either for the rest has been altered by men.
Ok that doesn’t help, that mixes myself up even more, what do you mean trusting in a god?
“Jehovah’s Witnesses believe1 that 144 000 of their number are different to the rest in that they will go to heaven, whereas the rest (presumably several million) will live on paradise Earth.” That’s an awfully small number, I say.
Yeah but not heaven or hell or limbo, I think there is something though. I had a thought once that what if we are supposed to do ourselves in, like people who do are the ones that get it. Maybe realizing the world is a mess and leaving is the meaning of life lol
Do you know why he killed himself?
He killed him self because he was misdiagnosed with what turned to be a sis or whatever they’re called, fucking sad story, thought he had cancer and was gonna have to do chemo and loose his hair so he did it. Found out a week later it wasn’t cancer.
Wow that is nuts, well damn. If there is no afterlife I don’t feel bad for him. He probably avoided a lot more pain anyways.
When I was hardcore gonna do it, like I more then I felt tonight even I lied and told people I was moving to Cali lol. Just figured I could disappear that way and no one would know. Well fuck me, now people think I lie cause I didn’t move there and I can’t tell them why…
I told a lot of people I was thinking of suicide, I think everyone would be kind of surprised but kind of ready for that. They try and help, but I have to many unresolvable problems.
Here’s a fun fact I’m adopted but didn’t know it until I met my step mom in which my biological dad left my mom for. She was a substitute teacher at my school and had the same last name as me so I asked my parents and that’s when they told me.
How old are you now?
Also thought about making it look like I was murdered maybe shot in the back of the head but what if someone got blamed accidentally and went to jail or something that’d be bad but then again cops can’t find actual killers so that’s probably far fetched lol
Does your method involve zip lock, pills and a bag?
Yeah I’ve researched it and I think it’s the easiest way to get over the survival instinct
I doubt you would go in your sleep.
If you fall asleep you die.
Sounds like there is a high chance of fail for that method, you can easily end up worst than when before that attempt.
I’ve reading your conversion uss liberty, why do you want to make your suicide look like a murder?
As not to look like a coward
You are not coward if you kill yourself. It takes a brave person to muster up the strength up to one’s life. A real brave brave person
I agree with born.loser it’s not easy to go through with it. Once you try to do it, you will see how difficult it is to go through with it.
I agree with BL it’s not easy to go through with it. Once you try to do it, you will see how difficult it is to go through with it.
I don’t care what people think of me if I commit suicide. You know what I kind of want them to see how bad they make this world out to be.
I don’t care what people think of me if I commit suicide. You know what I kind of want them to see how bad they make this world out to be.
I feel the exact same way as you do
I hear you both on that, guess it’s how I was raised… I still think I’d say ok I’m actually moving this time lol then disappear
Why are my comments awaiting moderation now? Did someone flag me? Did I do something wrong here?
Good old Wordpress. It is probably the worlds most popular forum software. Every now and then it goes in to a kind of overload or something and stuff goes into moderation like crazy but then finally the comments start showing up. Glad you found somebody to talk to. Hopefully your comments came out of moderation.
A lot of my replies are being moderated or excluded.
I told someone I went to Colorado once…..
I’d probably miss you.
Funny first time I ever took a antidepressant I experienced uncontrollable vommitting
I bet you’ll get her in her good side in a minute and she’ll keep the baby. You just have to show her you can be a good father and aren’t going to be suicidal. You’d much rather be a father than suicidal, wouldn’t you? I know she’ll keep the baby with you. As for cheating, does she want to be a cheater with a suicidal partner or a mother with a father? I suppose, her choice. A mother seems kinder than a cheater as well.