For the purpose of time I will try not to drag this out or go overly into detail, although with in each part of my story their are days and weeks I could divulge into, tearing apart the brutality of living and why ultimately I am now happy to live. Light does come, light will come, please let this be an aid of hope.
I grew up in a ‘broken home’ as you could say, both my parents were around through my childhood though it did more harm than good. They fought a lot and had a lot of their own ‘issues’, school was never much of a break either. I was a promising girl when I was young, bright and friendly, but as I got older the promise faded, I couldn’t keep close friends or felt I had any, I was very distant from all of my family and was naturally a very withdrawn insecure person.
I’m not sure exactly why or how it begun, but at the young age of 12 I was overcome with sadness and started to self harm. It became a constant in my life from such a young age and when eventually my school found out I was belittled rather then helped or supported. I remember clearly to this day sitting in my head teachers office, tearful and tired and she told me ‘you are a dissapointment to this school’. I was 12.
When I started high school I was still incredibly depressed but did quickly make better friends than before and a lot of them. Many of them I could relate too which made life less lonely, and parents finally split up which was a relief at first. A lot of them were older and I quickly got I combed in the stuff older ‘sad kids’ did I guess. Nothing extreme but smoking and drinking, sometimes soft drugs. Everyone just tried to numb the pain and as I got older my urge to numb became worse as the trail of my life did.
i was sexually assaulted, in abusive relationships and constantly dragged down by my home life as a teen. I used to go out just to cause mayhem, I felt so angry at a lot of life. I always tried to be kind, that was all I wanted to be and I seemed to get smacked in the face for it again and again. No counseller could help me but just diagnosed me with joke after joke and tried relentlessly to get me to submit myself into a full time centre for treatment, but I always said I felt imprisoed emough all ready. I’d lose my mind locked up and at that point slight sanity was all I hung on to.
Both my parents had their own partners, and I became very close to my siblings in this time although they never understood. I lived with my dad and my stepmom who both treated me in a bad way. It was nothing terrible all the time, but they wouldn’t allow me a life or give me the freedom of brothers my age. They’d drink and pick at me, annoy me and try and tease a reaction with me, they’d get involved in my relationships and split me and people up who did me no harm. A lot of times I’d move out and stay at friends homes so I could be near school still. The generosity of other people’s parents saved me a lot.
I tried to kill my self a few times, but one time i had to get my stomach pumped and i was called a coward as I waited for the ambulance after being found in my room on the floor bleeding.
This weirdly was a turning point and I used a lot of my anger as inspiration to get a better life away from the people that had hurt me. I was still gravely depressed and experimented more and more with hard drugs.
this was amazingly the time of my life (although drugs are very risky, I don’t recommend them to anyone, please stay safe!) I partied hard and became quite popular because that’s all anyone wants to do really. One time at a party I took a dogey pill and blacked out. I’d had health problems before but this was different. I had siezures, and vomited crazy amounts. 3 ambulances came to resuscitate me after my heart stopped. The next day was all a mess, my mind was scrambled and I didn’t remember a lot. It’s so weird to think that I died for a while, I did what I had wanted to do for so long and came back from it. I didn’t know if I was happy or not, I was kinda grey the next few weeks, but every time I felt the warmth of the sun on my skin it felt like a blessing, and wherever I went I could hear the birds so clearly. I was certainly not perfect, and my death was short lived but I felt more alive than ever, reborn and with a second hope.
This set of my positive thinking and that’s when all the positives came, I met my current boyfriend, who I’ve been with for years, moved out and am currently studying, for what I hope is a beautiful future.
i still have bad days, and I know I always will, but a lifetime is a longtime so I can take the bad with the good.
A turning point will come, in a weird and wonderful form and you will wonder why you felt this way, you will accept why, and you will find a reason to keep on, live out the blessing in your hands. Yes life is pointless, so do whatever you want with it, but you better make the most of it too.