Ready to die

May 5th, 2018by Specter

TL;DR Sudden strange health problems developed at 31 years old. Feels strange to have an actual substantial reason that I could not continue living this life now. I’ve endured social isolation and all sorts of other stuff, but this feels different. I’m just living in denial and a little bit of hope that maybe I’ll wake up some day and notice some improvement, but for now medications have done nothing and doctors act like they don’t know what to do. ——

Over the past 5 years or so I’ve endured the problems I already had. Depression, anxiety, friends and relationships literally dropping to zero, no job, no life, etc. Most mornings I’d wake up and immediately I’d feel the ache in my heart as whatever ex-friend came to mind or other painful memories or just thinking of starting another day of my life. But now at 31 I’ve developed some strange health problems that 2 doctors so far haven’t been able to figure out. Early April I was living a typical Friday night, alone, watching TV, a Friday that might stand out as lonely and boring if it weren’t for the 200 Fridays before it that were spent the same way. I drank a 6 pack of beer, one of the few tools available to me that would make me loosen up and enjoy myself for a while. I started to feel sick overnight, ended up in the ER that Sunday.

That Wednesday I had a follow up with a doctor and my worst nightmare came true, hearing a whispered conversation out in the hallway, hearing someone say “he’s only 31?!”, having someone come into the room and tell me I had some congenital defects in my body and that I might never be the same again. But they sent me away with some medications and maybe a sliver of hope that it could improve on its own. April 30th I went to see a different doctor. Again a comment was made “boy, nobody wants to be the patient that has everyone baffled, huh?” I was scared that they’d do a bunch of painful tests to me, but instead we just talked (probably because I currently don’t have good insurance), and another suggestion of a different medication. The one doctor made a comment that this problem happening to young people is more often a neurological problem, and that she’d only seen something similar in a young guy who’s mom and sister had MS and ended up figuring out that he did too. No family history of stuff like that for me though, so they seemed doubtful. But that comment left me to worry that I have a brain tumor or something strange going on in my head that a normal bodily function would just shut off and not come back.

They were a little friendlier than the first doctor I saw, who was very cold and basically made it sound as bad as he possibly could with no care for how he was revealing it to me. I hoped maybe this other medication would be the fix. They told me to come back in 3 months, so that made me think it must not be too serious.

But now it’s a week later. I take this new pill 3 times a day, on top of antibiotics and other medications that all have to be taken at specific times, with or without food. I’ve seen no improvement in the problem I’m having. I’m being vague about it because it’s a bit personal, and I suppose the specifics don’t matter. Bottom line is my normal life ended on April 6th. I’ve tried to listen to other people’s optimism that maybe these medicines would do something and I’d get better. But now it’s sinking in. It’s been a month. I can’t imagine why I would wake up one day and notice that the problem is gone at this point. I don’t even know what I should be afraid of or anticipating in the future, like a specific surgery or whatever, because nobody knows what’s going on. Which means at some point once I have some insurance I’ll have to go back and have all sorts of creepy tests done. I don’t think I even want to do that.

I’ve tried so hard to understand that bad things do happen to other people. Every story I hear on the news now of people dying in accidents, people being horribly burned in construction accidents, hearing about certain people on YouTube announcing that they don’t qualify for any further cancer treatments because their liver is failing or the host of another channel announcing that she has a brain tumor. I’m trying so hard to absorb all of that and not feel like I was personally targeted by the universe.

But my life already felt like hell. I’ve fallen apart and decayed in just about every way a person can. For five years I have just wanted a friend to hang out with and every time I get close people act flaky and cancel plans or suddenly start acting weird towards me. Just recently I had reconnected with someone through Instagram and actually got them to say that they’d be interested in hanging out. I felt a little boost and I had a small reason to look forward to something. Then all of this happened. I couldn’t go on the type of trip or have the type of day we were discussing for our hang out.

In a way this feels like a punishment because of how toxic my attitude already was. A punishment because of all these years I sat around with normal health and watched the days go by outside the window and said I didn’t care about my life. So maybe I should have learned my lesson about acting like a victim and I should be choosing to handle this with some positivity before something even worse happens. But I’m too weak of a person. I am feeling like a victim. I am feeling like life threw another ton of shit on me when I was already drowning. It took everything I had just to endure the days of my life in the state they were already in. I made small efforts to keep exercising, I’d have the occasional day where I cared enough to clean up, bit by bit I was trying to show that I did want to eventually get out of this hole I’m stuck in. And it feels like life backed up a dump truck full of cement and dumped it on me to let me know yet again that I am not meant to sort this out and have a good life.

It’s a really weird feeling. I already thought my life was horrible and I already sat around considering suicide before this. I would have probably said my life was a 9 out of 10 on the misery scale. So how do you put things into perspective when you wake up one day and suddenly it’s a 22 out of 10? If I was miserable before and already felt like my life was worth ending, then what type of liar am I if I decide I’m going to push through 40 more years with a health issue that will affect me multiple times per day forever?

I know other people have it worse. I know I could go turn on my TV and within 10 minutes probably see the commercial with sick kids and cancer patients asking for donations for their hospital. I know there are people who have had their body torn apart because they fought wars. If I turn on the news tonight I know I will hear about horrible things that happened to other people. But still, I want to be a whiny victim. My life was already miserable and for some reason fate decided I needed this to happen to me too. An injury or an illness would be one thing, something with an endpoint. But this mystery of not even knowing what this is or what’s going to happen is frustrating. I have so many more of these pills left to take but it feels pointless to put all those drugs through my system, they haven’t helped and the little voice in my head is telling me “you know this is permanent, it’s obvious this isn’t going away”. But I try to keep telling myself, why did they give me full bottles of pills meant to last for weeks, they didn’t say “take 5 of these and if it isn’t fixed by then it’s obviously permanent”, so I talk myself back in to trying to hope.

Right now all I can say is that I will live 1 week until Mother’s Day because I actually found something to give her for once. I’m supposed to have a doctor’s appointment with the first doctor on the 10th, but I’m hoping we will cancel that one or delay it, I do not feel like I am ready to go face another miserable day at the doctor yet and get more bad news. I’ve always preferred to remain ignorant in medical situations, when everyone else says you’re better off to face facts and know what’s wrong so you can receive help. I’d rather just take these pills for a while and not go see that first doctor again.

What a waste this summer is going to be. I can’t imagine the days and weeks stretching on as it becomes clear this problem really isn’t going to go away on its own. I got a chill down my back just typing that last sentence. I can’t imagine how that’s going to feel when I realize I have a permanent issue. It would have been a miserable enough summer watching another one go by, hearing fireworks and parties outside. I’ll still be doing that, now with extra misery stacked on top of it.

For a while now every time something bad happened I’ve said my life seems like a bad movie script. Or maybe it would be an extremely funny comedy, if only it wasn’t happening to me. So here’s that feeling again. I had the slightest potential for finally hanging out with a friend, I was home on a Friday night trying to enjoy some beer and watch TV, we were on the verge of this long winter finally ending and getting some nicer weather, and boom, life had to send another gift my way.

I don’t even know how to process it. It hasn’t sunk in yet due to still hoping that maybe it could go away. I’m not really in much pain and it doesn’t affect my day much if I just focus on other things and don’t worry about it.

If it doesn’t miraculously go away, I think I actually have a reason to end things now. Feels strange to actually have a much more substantial reason. I was probably never going to kill myself over my loneliness or other problems, I’ve proven well enough that I can somehow continue to put up with that and hope for better days. But this, this is different. I wouldn’t expect anyone to want to endure the routine that this problem involves every day starting at 31 years old. It would be different if I was an old man and starting having problems at 60 years old. But I can’t imagine living with these problems starting half way through my life.

I don’t understand why my life had to be this bad. And again it feels so weird saying stuff like that because I would have said that prior to April. I thought I already had a bad, painful life, and now that’s been multiplied by 20 by an actual problem that isn’t just in my head. Life actually let me know “you think you’re going to get back in shape and make plans to see your friend in a few weeks and finally start getting back to a normal life in 2018? NOPE.”

I don’t understand. I know other people deal with even worse things. But I still don’t understand. This could be such a useful event in my life if the problem would just go away. It gave me a lot of perspective about my other problems and now I have an understanding of what true suffering is. It doesn’t mean my other problems didn’t exist, but I’d still be more eager to wake up and face the day and be grateful for whatever blessings I do have, if only this problem would go away somehow. On the other hand, if it doesn’t get better, then my mood and attitude will go the other direction, I will finally succumb to the utmost depression and despair, knowing that I’m truly not going to get a chance to sort this life out.

I admit now that I am bitter and envious hearing people talk about their depression and problems when it’s just emotional issues or the way other people treat them. I would run back to my old set of problems with a huge smile on my face. I didn’t realize it either, that as long as you have your health you are blessed and other problems aren’t as serious by comparison. I know, nobody likes the “it could be worse” type of thinking, but I sure wish I had known how lucky you have to consider yourself if you’re just able to wake up in the morning and not have any major problems. Fuck losing friends, fuck loneliness and other problems, I can deal with that and there are new friends to be made if I felt like trying, but a health problem is not something I can just decide to put behind me and move on from. So now it’s a little difficult to read about other people’s problems and think about how lucky they are to just be okay. It’s not that I think other problems don’t matter, but it’s just human nature that we take things for granted when it seems normal and expected to not have any major diseases or illnesses. You hear about other sick people but it just doesn’t really enter into your mind that it could ever happen to you. I never thought at 31 years old pieces of my body could just stop working. Find gratitude for what you do have because boy does it suck when life decides to take even more away. And I realize I’m doing a bad job of that right now, I should still be trying to find things to be grateful for before life decides to make my situation even worse, but I’m playing victim again.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe this is even real. I can’t believe life felt that I needed even more to deal with. I had the silly hope that this year could be better like I do every year. Now that’s all gone.

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