stop the ride. i want to get off now.

have you ever just cried because you’re here, and alive?

have you ever just not even had the strength to lift your own head? i remember sitting in my car three and a half years ago, sobbing as i physically ached from my own existence. it hasn’t gotten any better for me. i still feel like that today. i felt like that yesterday. it didn’t just start three years ago. i’ve always been like this. i remember sleeping over at my best friend’s house at 19, waking up in the middle of the night to hide in her sliding door closet and cry. i cried all through my grad night. i cried all throughout prom. i don’t know if i’ve ever felt anything good in my entire life.

anything i’ve felt that was worth living for hates me. my failure to control my impulses and emotions lef me putting the person i loved the most in a terrible situation and we still haven’t recovered. maybe we started to. i got a new job a week ago that pays really well and sometimes we talk about plans for the future. but i know the animosity they have toward me for throwing away the last time our life together was good is still there. they think i’m a miserable fuck up and they’re right. i’m a shitty person. i’m boring. they can’t hate me more than i hate myself, but they have every right to hate me.

i’m not still here because i’m afraid to die. the first time i tried to kill myself was the summer between 7th and 8th grade. i was 12 years old and locked away in my room with a boxcutter desperately trying to slice the major arteries in my wrists. needless to say, i was a child. i didn’t know what i was doing. i passed out for 3 hours and woke up lightheaded, bloody and in pain. no one came looking for me or tried to rescue me. it wasn’t like how you see in the movies. no one cares and i felt worse as someone who couldn’t even kill themselves correctly. i was introverted and ugly in high school. i cut myself a lot. i would do it in front of my best friend (the one with the closet). i forced her to become my lifeline. eventually her mom forced me to get help. my parents had no concept of mental illness. imagine their surprise when my best friend’s mother showed up to take me to an inpatient clinic where i was forced to talk about how i was feeling. i never saw my best friend again after that day, either.

it hasn’t stopped. i overdosed on pills a year and a half ago but my body couldn’t keep from throwing up all the poison in my stomach. sometimes my kidneys swell up and hurt. i can’t do anything right. i wish i would die. i’ve tried so many times before but i just won’t die. things aren’t ever going to get better for me. every day i have to live with this. why do i have to live with this? why can’t it just stop?

please, let it finally just stop.